She Never Saw it Coming

by Jason Alan

The shovel is such a wonderful and utilitarian device.

I think of this as I’m digging the hole in Judge Renpaw’s back yard. Some people use that as one word. Backyard. I prefer it as two words, though. It seems odd when they’re together for some reason. Just one space can make a lot of difference. I think about things like that sometimes. Damn I’m sweaty. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. The shovel.

It’s quite an exemplary invention. Simple, yes, but the best things in life are simple. Walking your dog on a lovely spring morning. The feel of the hot water bouncing off your skin during a shower. I could use one of those right about now. I’m dirty as shit from all this digging. Oh dear. I’m sorry.

God, please forgive me for cursing. It just slipped out, honest. I hope he isn’t mad at me now. I’m so tired, I’m not thinking right. OK OK I’ll stop making excuses. I’ll pray on my knees for twenty minutes when I get home. But I’m busy right now.


Why does it have to be six feet? Maybe I should stop at four or five. It’s not like somebody is going to dig a little hole here and think hey maybe there’s a body here and I should keep digging so I’ll find it. That’s silly. I’m at around four feet now. I think I’ll dig just a little more and that should be good enough.

They won’t find her for a long time, though. I know what I’m doing. No, I haven’t done this before, but I’ve seen every episode of CSI. All of them. Except Miami. I went there once to visit my grandmother (God may He rest her soul). I hated every minute of it. It’s an awful city.

Those shows aren’t real, I know. Things are done differently in real life. But there are some things that are true. DNA sampling and fingerprints, hairs, clothing fibers, that sort of thing. Sure, they don’t do that for a regular killing, but when a judge’s wife comes up missing, you bet they do. So I got all that covered.

Brand new clothes and shoes, very generic. Stuff that everybody wears. They can’t trace the fibers back to me. Rubber gloves. I’m wearing two pair and I have another couple pairs in my pocket, just in case. No fingerprints. Hair net under my hat so no danger of finding my hair, even though there isn’t much left.

Nobody can see me digging this hole, either. The judge is on vacation. I know because of the internet. It’s such a wonderful tool. More complicated than the shovel, of course, but you can’t do a job like this with only a shovel. You see, you can learn so much by reading, but now you don’t even have to leave home. You can sit around in your underwear eating Corn Chex and learn about literally anything. So I did.

I hacked into his computer. Peaked into his calendar. He’s in Maui right now. Probably screwing some whore. Can you believe that? Vacationing in Maui and he didn’t even take his wife. Worked out for me, though. No witnesses. I don’t need that.

What was I saying? Yes, yes. I’m a hacker now. You figure people would learn by now to not have their security cameras hooked up to the internet. It’s 2012. There are a lot of crazies out there these days. But it’s a good thing that he does. Anybody who looks at the back yard cameras for today will only see a loop of Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy. You should watch it some time. It’s pretty funny.

The neighbors won’t see me either. I didn’t have to hack their computers, though. The judge has high fences. Years back, a child jumped his neighbor’s fence and drowned in their pool. Judge Renpaw’s ruling in that case was the main reason that a law was passed that mandated a higher fence height for people with pools. So, thanks judge! He helped me, and he helped a few kids. He can do some good I guess. We have to protect the kids. They are our future, after all.

Future. Something I don’t have much of. Twenty years of my life are gone because of him. I prayed every day he wouldn’t die while I was locked up. Good thing he wasn’t as old as me when he put me in that awful place so many years ago. He’s close to retirement age, but he still has a ways to go.

OK, I know what you might be thinking. He’s a judge, he has money. Surely he would keep his lawn nice. And you’re right. He does. But there is a spot in the back that is surrounded by bushes. It’s all dirt. The gardeners won’t even be able to tell I’ve dug here. Like I said, I got it all covered.

You know what? I seem to have gotten off topic. I was talking about how wonderful the shovel is. You should’ve heard the way it made her skull crack. A powerful tool, and now I’m using the very same one to bury her. Amazing, isn’t it? I bet it’s been around a very long time. Very interesting subject. I think I’ll look that up on my computer when I get home. After I pray and take a shower of course. I’m very dirty, and I have sinned.