My Keyboard is Possessed

by Jason Alan

My keyboard is possessed. No I’m not.

You see that? It types whatever it wants. I have no control over it and it’s driving me crazy! That’s because you are crazy. I can’t even fix my mistakes. Misspelling, punctuation, grammer, doesn’t matter. It just backspaces and retypes it how I originally did it.

No matter what I do, it won’t stop. I know, I know. Why don’t I just unplug it? Well I can’t. A while back I kept pulling the usb cord out so I super glued it in. Even when I use another keyboard it chimes in whenever and watever it wants. Another mistake I can’t fix. FUCK!

Excuses…

I could just cut the cord, but it’s an Apple keyboard. Thing costed me fifty buxks. I’m not made of money! Plus, it’s not like I’m a writer or anything. I just surf the internet with my computer. Lots of porn, too. You STOP THAT THIS INSTANT! It’s YOU that searches for those disgusting sites. And it’s been getting worse and worse. Last night it was old hairy German men urinating on each other. Urinating! What kind of pervert gets off on that kind of filth? You do. Admit it.

At first it was just saying ‘hi’ or ‘I see you’ and things like that. Subtle hints at first. I wasn’t sure what was happening. But now I have an explanation. And now it has learned keyboard shortcuts. It’s controlling my entire computer! I can’t do anything about it. The more I try to ignore it, the more it bothers me. You should consult a therapist. Is there a way to disable keyboard shortcuts for Windows? I need to look that up. Seriously. You need help.

What do you want from me?

Keyboard! What do you want?

Oh I see. Now you’re ignoring me. Wonderful. Maybe I should give you a name. Maybe then you’d speak to me. My name is Peter. OK Peter it is. How are you, Peter? What do you want? Because your name is Peter. I am you and you are me.

STOP IT!

I can’t even chat with people anymore because you type all sorts of mean things to them. You tell them their pussies smell like skunk orgies. Haha that was a good one, Peter. It’s not funny! You’ve turned my family and friends against me. I had to deactivate my facebook account. They do like me on twitter, though… They’re crazy too.

Seriously, Peter, what do you want from me?

GODDAMNIT!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess I’ll have to cut the cord. Sever the ties that bind, as they say. I’ll never hear from you again. You’ll just be another hunk of aluminum and plastic in the dumpster. I’m going to break you in half first, though. Make sure that you never, ever do this to anyone again. It’s maddening!

So you have nothing to say? You aren’t even going to try to save yourself? I’m completely serious. I’m going to do it.

Nothing, huh? OK, you had your chance. I’m going to get the scissors…

I mean it…

Alright fine with me. I’m going to get the scissors. Not the good ones, either. The rusty pair. You don’t deserve the good shit. Enough of this. I’ve given you plenty of time to save yourself. You’ve run out of options.

OK now. I’m back with the scissors, brown with rust. I’m throwing them away too. Maybe you can talk to them while you’re in the trash where you belong you evil thing!

SNIP.

There. I hooked up my other keyboard. It’s not as nice, but it doesn’t look up nasty pornography and tell my friends dirty things. I’m free from your tyranny! Finally!

You really do need professional help.

SHIT! Oh no, no, no. I knew it all along. It wasn’t the keyboard. It’s the computer! FUCK ME my computer is possessed! You really do, think that, don’t you? You’re a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being.

Wait. Maybe you’re right. I mean, maybe I’m right. Could it be that I’m just trying to tell myself I have a problem? It makes sense…

Yes, that’s exactly it. You finally figured it out.

I must accept it, then. I’m crazy. Talking to myself. All I need to do is find a good psychiatrist and work through my problems.

Actually, it isn’t that easy. Your problems won’t go away. You’re psychotic. Always have been, always will be.

You’re right. I’m mad. There’s nothing left to do. Nothing but…

I must end it all. I can’t go on living like this. I’ve been crazy my whole life and it’s only been getting worse. Now I think my computer is possessed. There’s no hope for me.

Peter opens the window to his 18th story apartment, says goodbye to the world, and jumps to his death.

He really did think he was crazy. lol