The face of turdpress

by Jason Alan

When I was a newcomer to the internet, it was in the mid to late 90’s, when it was fairly new thing itself. Oh sure, it was around before then, but it was barely even a blip on most people’s radar. Considering that, I found it amazing how many domain names had already been registered.

Back then, I was living in a small one bedroom apartment in Irving, Texas. It was a revolving door of about four or five broke ass single guys, mostly in our twenties. If memory serves me right, the only reality show back then was The Real World. There may have been others, but it doesn’t matter. The point is that we thought our apartment was the perfect setting for a reality show, complete with the token gay man. We even had a title for it: Living in the 90’s. Catchy, huh?

Needless to say, we never made it happen. It’s just the setting for this post, by the way. It was a very interesting time, and one day I’ll write about it in more detail.

Anyway, it was around ’97 or ’98, and one of the guys went to one of those places that let people get a computer and make payments for oh, about 300 years or so. I’m not 100% sure, but it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to say he signed the contract in his own blood. Like I said, we were broke, and computers were pretty expensive back then. We all agreed to chip in to get an internet connection, of course. Young single men + chatting + nude lady pics = where do we sign?

Within a few days, we had assigned time slots so we could all use the computer without fighting about it. Of course, the guy that was paying for it could get on whenever he wanted. I swear that thing was on 24 hours a day.

What I did today was a throwback to what we used to do sometimes when we would get bored. We would think of a domain name and type it in to see if somebody had registered it, and if so, see what was on there. Even back then, most of the names we thought of had been bought and used.

What i typed in this morning was turdpress.com…

Oh boy, do these guys have it covered! It’s one stop shopping for Cash advance, debt consolidation, insurance, free credit reports and my oh my, cell phones too! I’m so glad I found this! In fact, I’m literally… hold on… ok I’m back. I was just literally kicking myself for not finding this gem before. I was really missing out!

You see that? Dog poop cleanup AND hydraulic press manufacturers, among many others! This is truly a pearl. I was expecting it to be an angry blogger who had his page removed one day and decided to take revenge by soiling the good name of wordpress. But no, it’s apparently a savvy business minded person who knows that there is a market for presses of all kinds. Look down at the bottom. You can even get a press pass. And don’t forget dog poop cleanup, of course.

And to think of the young lady in the picture. When they let her know that one of the photos she posed for was live on the site, that she was the face of turdpress.com, I bet that smile increased a thousandfold. I’m sure she called her father immediately and told him to turn on his computer if it wasn’t already on and see that all that college tuition had finally paid off.

Some of you may think that they might have just picked a random photo they googled, but not turdpress. They’re professionals, they wouldn’t do that. I bet she is having one of those umbrella drinks by the side of the pool at her lavish lake view mansion right now. Lucky her. She’ll never have to work another day in her life!

It really makes me sit back and contemplate. Today is truly a turning point in my life. Maybe some day, if I work hard enough, I could be the face of turdpress. Hey, a man can dream, can’t he?