King James Bible, Modified. Part Deux!

by Jason Alan

First part is here:

King James Bible, Modified. Part One.

Genesis continued…

4:1 And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. So, was Adam not the father? Somebody call Maury Povich.

4:2 And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. By keeper of sheep, you mean what, exactly?

4:3 And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD. Hey God, have some fruit.

4:4 And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: Hey God, have some meat too.

4:5 But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. What? You don’t like fruit?

4:6 And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? Because I gave you fruit and you shunned me. That’s not cool.

4:7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. Yeah. What he said.

4:8 And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. Dude, that’s fucked up.

4:9 And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?

4:10 And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. That’s right. Cain don’t take no shit. He’s a G like that.

4:11 And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand; You’re fucked now, Cain.

4:12 When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.

4:13 And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

4:14 Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.

4:15 And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. Wait, this is confusing…

4:16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. Vagabond, land of Nod, I can do the math. He was a homeless heroin junkie.

4:17 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. The word is built, by the way. Not builded.

4:18 And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. More names to remember. They’ll be on the test also.

4:19 And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. Two wives? Hey man let someone else get theirs, bro.

4:20 And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle. Wait. Going back a little. Adam and Eve were the only two people, but Cain went to another city and took a wife? Where did everybody else come from? Seriously.

4:21 And his brother’s name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ. Hehe. Wanna handle my harp and organ, baby?

4:22 And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah. Keep it in the family.

4:23 And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt. Another murder? Where is Columbo when you need him?

4:24 If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. Don’t bother doing the math. That’s a lot.

4:25 And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. Right, “knew” his wife. We all know what that means…

4:26 And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD. That’s a bit grandiose, putting LORD in all caps. If we’re reading aloud, should we yell it?

5:1 This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; So he had a son that looked like him. OK, I’m down with that.

5:2 Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. OK, sounds feasible…

5:3 And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Alright now, 130 years? Back then? I call bullshit.

5:4 And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters: Wait, wait. Eight hundred years? Isn’t this the part where people start doubting the validity of this book? No? People still take it literally? Wow.

5:5 And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died. *Bullshit disguised as a cough*

5:6 And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: We’re getting back to slightly more believable numbers now…

5:7 And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters: Oh and we blew it again.

5:8 And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died. Yes of course he died. At nine hundred and twelve the cause of death was probably alcohol poisoning after beer bonging at a frat party.

5:9 And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan: Only 90? Tragic. He was so young!

5:10 And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters: Blah blah blah.

5:11 And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died. Boring…

5:12 And Cainan lived seventy years and begat Mahalaleel: Just a baby.

5:13 And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters: You might want to skip to 5:29 because until then it’s just a bunch of people living way too long and a whole lotta begattin’ goin’ on.

5:14 And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died.

5:15 And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared:

5:16 And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters:

5:17 And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died.

5:18 And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch:

5:19 And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:

5:20 And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died.

5:21 And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah:

5:22 And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:

5:23 And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years:

5:24 And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

5:25 And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech.

5:26 And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters:

5:27 And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died.

5:28 And Lamech lived an hundred eighty and two years, and begat a son:

5:29 And he called his name Noah, saying, This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD hath cursed. Oh yeah, Noah. I’ve heard of this guy.

5:30 And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begat sons and daughters:

5:31 And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years: and he died.

5:32 And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Imagine that. Having intercourse with a five hundred year old dude. Gross.

6:1 And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

6:2 That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. The women didn’t have any say in it? Oh, silly me, of course not. They weren’t even allowed to vote yet and they had to fuck five hundred year old men.

6:3 And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years. Still too old. Not even Sean Connery could pull off sexy at a hundred and twenty.

6:4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. Giants? You mean like in the pants giant?

6:5 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. Really? EVERY imagination? C’mon God, give us a little credit would ya?

6:6 And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. A whole planet of red-headed stepchildren, indeed.

6:7 And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. Wait what did the animals do? Except for that punk ass snake they didn’t do shit.

6:8 But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD. Oh, good. Maybe there’s hope for man and beast alike. I was scared there for a minute.

6:9 These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.

6:10 And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Old dude begatting again.

6:11 The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. Just tell them to cut it out, God.

6:12 And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. Well, ya know…

6:13 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. No don’t wait stop it’s cool, man chill.

6:14 Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. Hold on, gopher wood aside (makes me giggle) what does ‘pitch it within and without with pitch’ mean? Seriously that’s an odd sentence. Hehe gopher wood.

6:15 And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. That would be 450 feet or 137.16 metres in length, 75 feet or 22.86 metres wide, and 45 feet or 13.716 metres high. So that’s about a football field long, about as wide as Godzilla is tall, and about 1/64th as high as Snoop Dogg on an average day. Does that put things into perspective?

6:16 A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. OK sounds good, God. This is going to be a lot of work. Why exactly am I doing this again?

6:17 And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. Oh shit. I better get started then.

6:18 But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee. Oh good. I got my family so fuck everybody else I guess. I’m gonna miss my dog, though.

6:19 And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Sweet. That’s good news. I’ll just pick another dog that’s worthy to hump mine. She’s a bitch named Lucky.

6:20 Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. That’s a lot of animals, God. The ark is gonna be pretty big but are you sure they’ll all fit?

6:21 And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them. Oh yeah I didn’t even think of all the food we’ll have to bring. Fuck.

6:22 Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he. And don’t forget to bring some psilocybin. The music of the 1960’s wouldn’t be the same without them.

7:1 And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation. Right, right.

7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. By clean, do you mean STD free?

7:3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. OK I’ll just wing it. I don’t think testing kits have been invented yet anyway.

7:4 For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth. I only have a week to do this? Do you know any good independent contractors?

7:5 And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him. Noah found Jebediah’s Ark Building, Inc. in the tablet phone book and that helped a lot.

7:6 And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth. Good thing he had Jebediah. Six hundred is a little long in the tooth for construction work.

7:7 And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood. ALL ABOARD!

7:8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth, (still not clear about this clean/unclean thing)

7:9 There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah. Hurry up, turtles! We gotta go! Hold on why are we bringing turtles? They can swim. We should have planned this out better…

7:10 And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth. It’s raining it’s pouring the old man (Noah) is snoring.

7:11 In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. In other words, it rained a lot.

7:12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights. See? Told you.

7:13 In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark; Yes, we know. We’ve gone over this. Who edited this fucking book?

7:14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort. Why birds? They can fly to high ground. Fuck them.

7:15 And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life. Alright we get it already.

7:16 And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in. I said alright we understand.

7:17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth. OK.

7:18 And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters. Again, didn’t we already go over this?

7:19 And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered. OK OK we got it!

7:20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered. That’s about 21 feet, for those that are cubit impaired.

7:21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: But the fish and sharks and shit were having a ball.

7:22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. Kids and all. What a tragedy. This is worse than 9/11.

7:23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. Good thing the platypus made it. (Oops spoiler alert).

7:24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days. Really? Where did all that water go?

8:1 And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged; Oh. Wind. Took it out to space or something? Oh OK the earth was flat then. It just fell off. Groovy.

8:2 The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained; Good, said Noah. I can’t do anything with my hair in this humidity.

8:3 And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

8:4 And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat. Now we have to climb down a mountain? OMG WTF?

8:5 And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. Tell me you didn’t see that coming…

8:6 And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made: He put a pie on the windowsill to cool. Pterodactyl pie. They ran out of food. Now you know what happened to them.

8:7 And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth. Nevermore! Sorry, couldn’t help myself…

8:8 Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground; Then he shot it.

8:9 But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark. OK maybe he didn’t shoot it.

8:10 And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark; Good thing pterodactyls were big. It’s all they had to eat without making another species extinct. Except rabbits. There was a few thousand of them running around by then.

8:11 And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth. Smart bird.

8:12 And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more. Somebody shot it.

8:13 And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry. Finally. Let’s get off this fucking thing.

8:14 And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried. You said that already.

8:15 And God spake unto Noah, saying,

8:16 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee. Hell yeah we’re off this bitch.

8:17 Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth. Yeah, we know, let them off so they can get to begattin’ and shit.

8:18 And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him: And gladly. Smelled like animal shit.

8:19 Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark. They were tired of being on there too. Couple people died in the stampede.

8:20 And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. Thanks, God, for killing all those people and animals.

8:21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. Promises, promises…

8:22 While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. And never the twain shall meet.

King James Bible, Modified. Part Three: Rise of the Machines