King James Bible, Modified. Part Three: Rise of the Machines
by Jason Alan
First part: King James Bible, Modified. Part One.
Second part: Part Deux
9:1 And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. Get to begattin’, y’all. We gotta start all over again.
9:2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. Dude, that’s heavy.
9:3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things. Hell yeah toke up and get the munchies!
9:4 But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat. Wait what?
9:5 And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man’s brother will I require the life of man.
9:6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man. Captial punishment. I can dig it. So, what have we learned? God killed everybody to show that killing is wrong. Makes sense to me…
9:7 And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein. Yeah we got it. Again.
9:8 And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
9:9 And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
9:10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
9:11 And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. If you say so.
9:12 And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. Whatever that means…
9:14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: I don’t see any bows…
9:15 And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. Jesus Christ we got it!
9:16 And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. I looked again. Still no bow.
9:17 And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth. Yeah OK.
9:18 And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan. Shem and Ham were the last Stooges, right? They jumped the shark with those guys.
9:19 These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread. Soitenly! Nyuk Nyuk!
9:20 And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: Busy for a six hundred year old dude.
9:21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. So he passed out naked? Wonderful example of a father.
9:22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. Hey guys! Dad’s passed out! Get the Sharpie!
9:23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father’s nakedness. Then they tooketh the opportunity to draw a penis on his forehead.
9:24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. You bastards!
9:25 And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Go cut me a switch, boy!
9:26 And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. That’ll teach him.
9:27 God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. Must be nice.
9:28 And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years. It’s getting’ deep in here…
9:29 And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died. Deep, indeed.
10:1 Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood. Bunch more begattin’ until 10:9… Now remember, everyone but Noah’s family died, so all this begattin’ is incest. Just sayin’…
10:2 The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.
10:3 And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah.
10:4 And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.
10:5 By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations. And now back to the begattin’ again…
10:6 And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan.
10:7 And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtechah: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan.
10:8 And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth.
10:9 He was a mighty hunter before the LORD: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD. HAHA Nimrod? Seriously? I bet he’s pissed up there in heaven right now.
10:10 And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. The Kingdom of Nimrod. Nice.
10:11 Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah, 10:12 And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city.
10:13 And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim, Oh wow more begattin’ until 11:1. You might want to skip ahead a bit.
10:14 And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim.
10:15 And Canaan begat Sidon his first born, and Heth,
10:16 And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite,
10:17 And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite,
10:18 And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.
10:19 And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha.
10:20 These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations.
10:21 Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born.
10:22 The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram.
10:23 And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash.
10:24 And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber.
10:25 And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother’s name was Joktan.
10:26 And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah,
10:27 And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah,
10:28 And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba,
10:29 And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan.
10:30 And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east.
10:31 These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations.
10:32 These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.
11:1 And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. Spanglish.
11:2 And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there. Finally some rest from all the begattin’.
11:3 And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter. Slime? That’s not very effective. Try some QUIKRETE®.
11:4 And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. OK, but I wouldn’t suggest building a skyscraper with slime.
11:5 And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded. Built. Built! Again, who edited this fucking book?
11:6 And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. The people ARE one, not IS one. Jesus.
11:7 Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech. No no don’t do that!
11:8 So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.
11:9 Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth. OK they scattered, but why did they make new languages? Makes no sense.
11:10 These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood: Oh dear, more begattin’ and taking of wives and dying of extreme old age until 11:32.
11:11 And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:12 And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:
11:13 And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:14 And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:
11:15 And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:16 And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:
11:17 And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:18 And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:
11:19 And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:20 And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:
11:21 And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:22 And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:
11:23 And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:24 And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:
11:25And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.
11:26 And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.
11:27 Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.
11:28 And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.
11:29 And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram’s wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor’s wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.
11:30 But Sarai was barren; she had no child.
11:31 And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son’s son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram’s wife; and theywent forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of
Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there.
11:32 And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran. It’s OK if you skipped to here. Those names won’t be on the SAT exam. I promise.
12:1 Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee: In case you missed it, Abram was one of those who done got begatted. Or something.
12:2 And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing: Sweet deal.
12:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed. Sounds good to me.
12:4 So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran. Old man walkin’! Old man walkin’!
12:5 And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother’s son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan;
and into the land of Canaan they came. Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
12:6 And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
12:7 And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him. Word up.
12:8 And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD. Teehee. He pitched a tent.
12:9 And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south. The dirty south. Reprazent, yo.
12:10 And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land. Time to drop some sacks of grain.
12:11 And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon: You so fine, girl. Mmmm hmmm.
12:12 Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. I wanna sex you up tick tock ya don’t stop stop to the heart.
12:13 Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee. It’s cool to lie. The commandments haven’t been written yet.
12:14 And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair. They were like, I’d tap that.
12:15 The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. Giggity!
12:16 And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels. Ass for asses. And camels for camel toe.
12:17 And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram’s wife. Aw, snap!
12:18 And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? Oops, my bad, Pharaoh.
12:19 Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way. GTFO!
12:20 And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had. I-ight, peace out.
13:1 And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south. We’re off to see the wizard…
13:2 And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold. Bling bling.
13:3 And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;
13:4 Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD. Yo, Lord, what up?
13:5 And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents. A flockin herd, I tells ya.
13:6 And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. Then build an addition. Duh.
13:7 And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram’s cattle and the herdmen of Lot’s cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land. Herdmen Wars. New series on TLC.
13:8 And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren. Yeah, chill out, bra.
13:9 Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left. Like Beyonce. To the left to the left!
13:10 And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
13:11 Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other. Nobody was slain this time. Good times.
13:12 Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom. *giggle*
13:13 But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly. Oh no. Where’s this gonna go?
13:14 And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward: OK, I’m looking…
13:15 For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Sounds good…
13:16 And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered. Huh?
13:17 Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
13:18 Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD. And he lived happily ever after. Or some shit.