King James Bible, Modified. Part Four: Live Free or Die Hard

by Jason Alan

Part 1: King James Bible, Modified. Part One.
Part 2: Part Deux!
Part 3: Part Three: Rise of the Machines

and part 4:

14:1 And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;

14:2 That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar. War is Hell, man.

14:3 All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.

14:4 Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled. Fucking Benedict Arnolds.

14:5 And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim, They did some smotin’. Or smitin’. Whatevs.

14:6 And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness. Teehee. Horites. *giggle*

14:7 And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.

14:8 And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of
Siddim; Crossing swords meant something different back then.

14:9 With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five. We nine kings be stealin’ the gold!

14:10 And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain. The unabomber did the same thing. Just sayin’…

14:11 And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way. Pussies.

14:12 And they took Lot, Abram’s brother’s son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.

14:13 And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.

14:14 And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. Go kick some ass!

14:15 And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. Everybody knows that.

14:16 And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. Hell yeah. Power to the people!

14:17 And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king’s dale.

14:18 And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. Like the Pope?

14:19 And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth: Can I get a Amen?

14:20 And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all. The most high God? So there are other Gods? Like Thor? And what’s a tithe? So many questions…

14:21 And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.

14:22 And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,

14:23 That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich: I’m confused again.

14:24 Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion. Through the lips and over the gums, watch out stomach here it comes.

15:1 After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward. A vision? Doing mushrooms again, eh, Abram?

15:2 And Abram said, LORD God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?

15:3 And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.

15:4 And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir. Fecal matter?

15:5 And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be. What the fuck does that mean?

15:6 And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness. Well at least somebody understood.

15:7 And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.

15:8 And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it? He just fucking told you, dumbass.

15:9 And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. Animal orgy. I can dig it.

15:10 And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not. Fuck the birds.

15:11 And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away. That’s right.

15:12 And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him. Aw, snap. Some Freddy Kreuger shit.

15:13 And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not their’s, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years; That’s messed up.

15:14 And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance. The ends justify the means?

15:15 And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age. Yeah like 900 years hahahahaha!

15:16 But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full. OK.

15:17 And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces. Sure. Whatever.

15:18 In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates: Word.

15:19 The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,

15:20 And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,

15:21 And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites. All dem niggaz.

16:1 Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. The singer for Van Halen?

16:2 And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. Go in unto, huh?

16:3 And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. What’s love got to do, got to do with it?

16:4 And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. Babies havin’ babies. SMH.

16:5 And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee. Tupac said it, only God can judge me, fool.

16:6 But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. Fled from her face? WTF?

16:7 And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.

16:8 And he said, Hagar, Sarai’s maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai. Running away won’t solve your problems.

16:9 And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. You mean choking? Kinky.

16:10 And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.

16:11 And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction. Call him Ishmael.

16:12 And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man’s hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. And there will be a big whale named Dick.

16:13 And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?

16:14 Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered. Is this the English version?

16:15 And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son’s name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.

16:16 And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

17:1 And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect. When he was 90 and also when he was 9? Or when he was 99?

17:2 And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.

17:3 And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying, Ouch.

17:4 As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations. You sure about that, God? The guy just fell on his face. Probably a drunk.

17:5 Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee. Abraham: Vampire Hunter.

17:6 And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee. Yes, ye shall shitteth out kings from thine butthole!

17:7 And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee. A little verbose, but alrighty then.

17:8 And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God. Free stuff is good.

17:9 And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations. Abraham, who’s that? Oh yeah still getting used to the unnecessary name change.

17:10 This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised. Yeah, all that extra skin is gross.

17:11 And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you. Take a few nips of some moonshine, it’s gonna hurt.

17:12 And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed. Alright I got it.

17:13 He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant. OK quit repeating yourself.

17:14 And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant. That’s kinda harsh…

17:15 And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be. OK that totally makes sense.

17:16 And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her. OK sure thing.

17:17 Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear? Wait what?

17:18 And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

17:19 And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him. And Isaac shall command a bunch of kids in a corn field. So sayeth Stephen King.

17:20 And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation. Will that be just one baby mama or…

17:21 But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

17:22 And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham. Wait, does that mean he was going down on Abraham? Never mind I don’t wanna know.

17:23 And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham’s house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him. Wow that’s a lot of penis cutting for one day.

17:24 And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin. Well, that’s a little old dontcha think?

17:25 And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

17:26 In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son. Yes, we got that. Fuck.

17:27 And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him. Idiots love repetition. So that’s why they love the bible so much.

18:1 And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;

18:2 And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,

18:3 And said, My LORD, if now I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant: Who are these guys?

18:4 Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:

18:5 And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.

18:6 And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth. Don’t forget the candles.

18:7 And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hasted to dress it.

18:8 And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat. Can we move this story along a bit?

18:9 And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent. Why do you need to know that?

18:10 And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.

18:11 Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.

18:12 Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? Still wondering if this is English…

18:13 And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old? Medically impossible.

18:14 Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son. Gross.

18:15 Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh. Yeah, she didst.

18:16 And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way. HEY! HO! LET’S GO!

18:17 And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;

18:18 Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? No man is an island. Or a nation.

18:19 For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.

18:20 And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous; What sin would that be?

18:21 I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.

18:22 And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom: but Abraham stood yet before the LORD.

18:23 And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? He did it before…

18:24 Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?

18:25 That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?

18:26 And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes. There has to be fifty? Damn.

18:27 And Abraham answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD, which am but dust and ashes: Yeah, what he said.

18:28 Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it. OK down to forty five, but still, how about you just punish the guilty?

18:29 And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty’s sake.

18:30 And he said unto him, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there. Not very good at negotiating, are ya Lord?

18:31 And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty’s sake.

18:32 And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten’s sake.

18:33 And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place. OK are we done yet? This is getting a little old…