Let the Stupid Go
by Jason Alan
Time to let the Stupid go. I know it will be difficult at first. There will be a time of mourning for us all. Every one of us has relatives and maybe even friends that are Stupid. We need to let them go.
Now, before we begin, I must say that I am not referring to the mentally challenged. Those among us who have this handicap, the ones who need to be watched over and cared for into adulthood, these people are fine and they still need to be taken care of. When I mention the Stupid, I mean the people that are in between retarded and smart. The people that we let go about the world on their own and fuck it up for the rest of us.
The first step we will need to do is to raise the salary for EMTs, and hire some more. This will help the economy. More jobs and all that good stuff.
Then, we take some laws off the books. No longer will we have legislation that requires people to wear seat belts while driving, or helmets when riding motorcycles. The extra EMTs will help with this, since those of the Stupid that don’t die because they are Stupid and they don’t think they need these safety measures will need medical attention. I’m not completely without sympathy. We will save them so they can kill themselves another day.
Also, we need to legalize all drugs for adults. When you are a child you need to be told many many times not to do certain things because you do not yet fully understand the consequences of your actions. But when you are an adult, you do realize these things. If you do not, you need to go. We don’t need you around, Stupid.
We should not have to keep telling you, hey don’t stick that needle in your arm, don’t take those pills you don’t even have any pain. Don’t drink that whole bottle of vodka then drink a 12 pack. You should already know these things. In fact, you do, if you aren’t Stupid.
Like I said, it will be hard at first. There will be people close to us all that we will lose, but trust me, humanity will be better off in the long run without the Stupid. I for one will not be unaffected by these changes. My two best friends will more than likely not survive. I love them dearly, but I’ve accepted the fact that they are indeed Stupid.
Oh yes, we also need to let out all the people in prison who are serving time for drug offenses. Number one, drugs will be legal and we can’t keep clogging the prisons with nonviolent offenders and number two; jobs will be available due to so many of the Stupid getting into accidents and having overdoses, et cetera.
By posting this, do I run the risk of seeming like an insensitive jerk? Sure, but think of the positive ramifications of all this. Think about your boss, for one. There is a 93% chance, give or take a percentage point or two, that your current boss is Stupid. Wouldn’t you prefer a smart boss? Maybe one that is actually qualified and doesn’t make you do useless, Stupid things?
Or perhaps you’d like to come home after a hard day’s work and light up a joint without having to worry about the law, or getting popped for a drug test? Or maybe you have a toothache and you would like to go get some penicillin to kill the infection. Why should you have to get a prescription for this? How many penicillin junkies do you know?
We also need to equip every single police car with cameras. Because after the first five to ten years, there will not be enough of the Stupid to keep the show Cops going. We will need to save up as much footage as we can for later use. I’m not personally a fan of the show, I actually hate it, but I understand the appeal of watching the Stupid get arrested on TV.
So in closing, I’d just like to say to all of you, quit doing Stupid shit, because you never know when someone like me could slip into political office and start getting this ball rolling.