Windows isn’t stupid. We are.

by Jason Alan

For decades people have been saying how stupid Windows is. But it isn’t stupid. The code is written by people much smarter than you and I can ever hope to be. Windows is smart. We are the stupid ones, and we need protection from the stupid things we do on this fancy new computer technology.

For example, the picture below is an example of Windows trying to protect us from the awful bad guys that root into our systems looking for our porn oops I mean our bank account info and robbing us blind.

You see? Windows is just trying to make sure that we are nice and cozy and comfy and secure. We need an extra layer of protection such as this pop-up to keep the bad guys away. After all, how is Windows supposed to know whether all of these software companies are legit? But I’m sure when they look into this company known as Microsoft, they’ll eventually figure out if they’re safe or not.

Also, we must be notified if the firewall is not turned on, because we’re all entirely too stupid to know this. We’re just so incredibly dumb we don’t notice the red icon at the bottom of the screen. Thank you so very, very much, Windows! What would we do and where would we be without your infinite wisdom? More infected than the vaginal canal of a ‘lady of the night’, that’s where.

Additionally, we need to know when we plug in our headphones. I simply cannot tell you how many times I’ve plugged in my headphones and then immediately wondered, where are my headphones? Then, like an angel from digital heaven, this trusty little bubble pops up and reminds me. You just plugged them into your computer, idiot! Wow! Once again, Windows to the rescue! Merci beaumotherfuckingcoup!

So thanks once again, Windows, for being there at every turn. For letting me know what I’m doing and warning me of the dangers that lie in wait at every keystroke. For asking me if I’m sure I want to download something after I went to a trusted software website, searched for the program, clicked download, then clicked on the .exe file. Praise the Lord in heaven that I have that extra pop-op asking if I’m sure I want to download it. Because what if I change my mind? It’s not like I can uninstall something if I don’t like it. Once you install something it’s like, totally there forever, right?

And come to think of it, that Microsoft company sounds evil. I say when you see this, just click No.