Very Stupid Boys

by Jason Alan

Alonzo had just finished a long day of work. His muscles were sore and he was ready to get back to the hotel. Another forty-five minutes to drive and he would be there. Maybe he would cap the evening off with a nice martini before hitting that soft bed and drifting off. What would that be like? A little slice of heaven, that’s what.

As he finished his business, he zipped up his fine tailored khakis and walked out of the ditch and back to his Cadillac. He jotted down a mental note to get it washed tomorrow. It was quite dusty and he couldn’t have that. Didn’t look professional at all.

He pulled the keys from his breast pocket as he approached the car. He kept them there because he didn’t like bulges in his pockets. Also unprofessional. Keeping his appearance neat and his car in tip top shape was a top priority. Image was important. His father taught him that early and often. There was a minor electrical problem that he would take care of when he got back home, but other than that his Caddy was immaculate inside and out.

It was hard to keep his eyes open. Maybe he would stop and get some coffee on the way. There was a gas station about ten minutes down the road. It was subpar, shitty coffee but it would do to help keep him awake as he drove to the hotel.

He slid the trunk key in the lock and that’s when he felt the baseball bat hit his side. It hurt like hell but he was prepared for this sort of thing. He reached behind him but it was too late. The bat came swinging again and got him square in the chest. As he went backward trying to catch his balance he caught a glimpse of the two boys who had snuck up behind him.

Delinquents. Disheveled, petty little small town punks who didn’t know a goddamn thing about life. About who you fucked with. And more importantly, who you didn’t fuck with.

Definitely unprofessional.

After what seemed like a long time, Alonzo caught his foot on the edge of the road and lost his balance. He went went sailing down the ditch, hit the ground and rolled all the way to the end. Face down. As he struggled to catch his breath he could hear the car starting. He usually loved that sound. Perfectly tuned. Tip top shape.

But this time he most certainly did not like that sound. That and the sound of his brand new Michelin tires squealing as the two thugs took off with his beautiful car.

Stupid boys, he thought. Very stupid boys.

He pushed himself up, slowly, trying not to exacerbate the pain in his chest and side. Rolling a little, he managed to get himself into a sitting position. He sat there and thought for a moment. His face was wet. He wiped it with his hand. It smelled. Smelled like urine.

Very stupid boys.

He pulled out his handkercheif and wiped his face off. After a few minutes he caught his breath and started slowly back up the ditch. He crawled up slowly, but once he reached the road he stood up carefully and saw the sun starting to dip behind the horizon. That was good. The cover of darkness would be in his favor. He started walking north. North was where the stupid boys were going.

Alonzo walked along the desert road as the sun disappeared as thoughts jumped around in his head. Thoughts of what he would do to those little fucks when he caught them. Maybe he would cut their legs off at the knees. He imagined them crawling through the desert, bleeding out their stupid blood all over the road as he drove away. Perhaps he would cut out their tongues and revel in the screams as blood poured down their throats and onto their weak chins.

Or maybe he would do an experiment. See if that bat would fit in their backsides. His chest burst into a fresh lick of pain as he laughed at that one. He stopped for a moment, but made himself keep going. Stopping was not an option, and he didn’t need coffee anymore. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but he was sure it would involve an inordinate amount of pain. Those boys, he was sure, were too young to know real pain. He would be glad to be the one to introduce them to it.

After about fifteen minutes of walking, he saw something. It might have been the outline of a car but he wasn’t sure. It was too dark to tell. There were no streetlights out here, and no rear lights on the car, if that’s what it was.

A little more walking and he could tell that it was a car. Hopefully it was his. Maybe he would get lucky and those two little small town cunts would be in the back blowing each other. The thought of faggots fucking in his car disgusted him but they would be distracted enough to not see him coming. Not that it would matter. They were going down either way. He pulled his gun out.

He got close enough to see that it was his car, and he approached it carefully. Professionally. As always. Upon close, careful inspection he found that it was empty. The driver’s side door was unlocked. More sloppy. More unprofessional.

Very stupid boys.

The keys were not in the ignition or anywhere that he could see, though. It meant that they weren’t completely dumb. And it meant that they were likely coming back. They probably took the gas can from the trunk and went down the street to the gas station. The small electrical problem the car had was that the gas light wasn’t coming on. And the gas station was close. They would probably be back any minute.

Alonzo hid in the ditch and waited. He thought some more about what he would do to them. Maybe he would just shoot them in the face and leave them. He was pretty tired. That soft bed he was thinking about became more inviting every passing minute.

He heard laughing. The goofy, stupid laughter of teenage boys. Good. They were coming. He peaked his head out of the ditch and saw them, a gas can swinging in the right hand of the one on the left. It was all working out. He didn’t even have to walk to the store.

They got close to the Cadillac and Alonzo saw red. He heard the words ‘stupid old man’ and ‘fix his fucking piece of shit’ and the red turned to blood red and multiplied. The passenger door shut as he approached the rear of his car. The kid with the gas can set it on top, not even noticing the armed and immaculately dressed man coming.

“Get the fuck out of the car!” He yelled, standing only feet from the boy with the gas cap in his hand.

The kid looked over and froze. Except for his face. He saw the gun and his eyes got wide and his mouth dropped open. He dropped the gas cap.

The other kid got out of the car. “What the fuck is goin-”

Same expression. Stupid boys.

“Come around to this side or I’m shooting your fucking friend, asshole.”

He walked around the car, hands up even though he hadn’t been instructed to do so. He had seen it in the movies. That’s just what people did. You get a gun pointed at you, you put your hands up.

“Gimme the keys you little fuck.”

Kid number one went for his pocket.


He got the keys out, slowly, and tossed them to Alonzo.

He glanced at the keys to make sure they were the right ones, and that they were all there. Stupid boys do stupid things, you never can be too sure. He pointed to the other side of the road.


They walked for a minute, both of their arms now up. Alonzo walked behind them, a wide grin on his face.


They stopped.

“Turn around and take off your clothes.”

They turned around.

“Wh-what?” Kid number two.

“You heard me take off your goddamn pants.”

They looked at each other, then at the man with the gun. They didn’t do anything. Alonzo shot at their feet. “Fucking do it!”

They did as he said. They took off their clothes and threw them on the ground when the man pointed.

“You gonna kill us, man?” Kid number two.

“You gonna make us do some weirdo sex shit?” Kid number one.

“No, you idiots. I want you to walk through the desert, naked and ashamed when somebody picks your worthless asses up. Stupid fucking boys.”

The teenagers looked at each other, smiling as best they could given the situation. They believed the man. They were going to live. And they were right.

“Thank you sir. We’re awfully sorry. We’ll never do it aga-”

Alonzo shot them both in the groin and walked back to his car. He put the gas from the can into the tank as he listened to the sweet screaming symphony of two very stupid boys who would not go on to breed and make more stupid boys.

He smiled as the Cadillac started up and as he drove off he thought that maybe he would leave the gas light alone. As it turns out, it could prove useful to be a little unprofessional after all.