she holds those young men
to her breast
with an empty nest
Very, very nice. Perfect. Almost, oh god, please don’t despise me for this suggestion but I can’t help but see it: remove the word those? Either way it is just beautiful. Feel free to tear apart my poetry anytime.
I only despise ‘those’ that don’t comment haha. I think it would mess with the flow of it but if you like you can write it down without that word and read it. See? I’m a problem solver 🙂
I understand what you mean, Terah, about the word “those,” and it might seem to improve the already great flow, but but as it is the four lines are 5/3/3/5, so it’s a nice form. And sadly it would fuck with the meaning to remove that word. There is a difference between holding young men, which sounds like all young men, or whatever young men she can get, and those young men, which is more specific, and possibly more powerful, and believable.
I love it, mad man. Exactly as it is. It is indeed perfect, and I want to take the heads of whomever gave you less than five stars and collectively knock their skulls together. This is perfect short poetry, with an excellent kick in the gut at the end. I LOVE this piece.
I totally deserve, like, a prize or something. I’m thinking lots of cash and gold. Maybe to be knighted as well.
We could talk all day about what I don’t have that you deserve, I am sure. 🙂
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