The Chris Brown

by Jason Alan

Another chapter in a highly offensive humor book that has been almost two years in the making. I have taken my tweets, cut out the mentions and the crap (mostly), and I now invite you to join me in embracing my dark side. Bring a tissue or two, you might need them for chapter three of:

Spank Material for the Clinically Insane

Chapter 3: The Chris Brown – One Part Brown Liquor and a Shot to the Face

One of my favorite pastimes on twitter is shitting on celebrities. Some of them are such major train wrecks it’s just too easy…

Chris Brown and Kobe Bryant would make a great album together. Songs in the Key of Rape and Domestic Abuse

When I watch TV, which isn’t very often, I see bullseyes on most people’s foreheads. Everybody is a potential target. It’s fun to make fun of the rich and famous. Try it. You’ll feel better about yourself.

What celebrity should I trash today? All of them?

Kim Kardashian. Gary Busey. Oprah. Sure, we can all agree that there is more than a couple of handjobfuls of celebrities that shed a ray of sunshine on the merits of abortion. But on the other hand, if we didn’t have these idiots, sociopaths and narcissist freaks then who would we make fun of?

The Walking dead. Inspired by Sarah Palin.

But it’s not just actors, musicians, reality show ‘stars’. A famous person is somebody that a whole shitload of people know, at least by name.

#1 on iTunes this week: Statutory Baby by Sandusky and the Pervs

Come on, now. If we can’t make fun of pedos, who can we make fun of? We can even go historical:

The only writer I hate more than Hemingway is Shakespeare

“I have a raging boner.” – Albert Einstein

So kick off your shoes, sit back, relax and let’s throw some rocks at those who have worked so hard to put themselves upon a pedestal. You know you want to.

Take that ugly old wrinkled big lipped fuck Steven Tyler off TV. Thanks

Used the Shazam app while I had explosive diarrhea. It identified that as Lady Gaga

The people that give out awards don’t know good music from Gaga’s glory hole

John Mayer. Dave Matthews. Same guy

If I were Simon Cowell I would have shot those shitty singers with a paintball gun

Pro-lifers have never been to a Lady Gaga concert. And if they have, they should have been aborted. Twice

“I want somethin’ else, to get me through this, Demi charmed kinda life” -Ashton Kutcher

Chubby Checker’s Twist a Blunt was a good song, and ahead of its time, but ended his career

Whenever I have trouble urinating I just pretend I’m Fergie on stage

I envy Bill Gates. I wish I could develop a product that makes me billions yet works less than Kim Kardashian.

Me and John Rzeznik give each other haircuts

It’s ok. I had to google to find out who’s the singer for Goo Goo Dolls, too.

I’m so full of hate Mel Gibson told me to chill out

Sid Vicious should have stayed alive long enough to stab Billie Joe

2 of the Bee Gees are dead. That’s not enough

I’m the Tupac of twitter. I stick on you like stripper glitter.

Idol hands are Simon Cowel’s playground

I just saw somebody who looked like a fat Margaret Cho. Fuck. I could’ve just gotten Margaret Cho’s autograph…

I want to give MC Hammer a job as my tailor

Slash is starting to look like Rob Zombie with his makeup on

The high school monkeys were let out early, so the line at Taco Bell is longer than the line to choke out Carson Daly

I just can’t wrap my mind around that Snooki bitch, but I’m pretty sure I can wrap my hands around her throat. qsd

No, Kate Gosselin. You can’t get pregnant again if you already are

You don’t have to tell me to take it easy, Foghat. You just said it’s a slow ride

Yeah. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. We got it already. Thanks.

Shyamalan could direct a movie with 50 big breasted naked lesbians in a sex pile and I still wouldn’t watch it

OK I’m lying. I would totally watch that.

Jack Lallane may be 96 and dead, but he can still kick your ass

You know what’s so great about Shakespeare? Absolutely nothing

I brought Thomas Paine to 2011 and showed him twitter. He said OMG! WTF!

Madonna doesn’t look like the crypt keeper. The crypt keeper looks like Madonna. Recognize seniority

After 10 minutes or so the number of people starring my tweets goes down like Snooki at a… Well, Snooki anywhere she goes

Are you really gangsta baby? Are you really down? You be my Rihanna, honey, I’ll be yo Chris Brown

Lampanelli says she hasn’t fucked a black guy in years. That laser eye surgery must have gotten really affordable

When I set that stupid cunt on fire, I’m gonna say Snooki is so hot…

Gaga and Manson have things in common. Offending old people and pretending to be female

Blink 182 is to punk as Bon Jovi is to metal

Tyler Perry makes Spike Lee look like Stanley Kubrick

I hate people of all races, but I really hate Creed

Bieber fans are so silly. They try to scream for help even with a ballgag on every time

Get rid of Sigourney Weaver. Bitch is a damn alien magnet

The next Jaws will be filmed on a cruise ship & features Lisa Lampanelli so they can reuse the line ‘I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat’

Chris Brown boxing gloves. They’re a hit!

Justin Bieber is quitting singing and Sasha Grey is quitting porn. I hear they’re switching careers

Lisa Lampanelli was stopped by TSA at the airport. Not because she had weapons but because they thought she was Kevin Smith

My Uzi only weighs 7.72 lbs. Thanks Chuck D, for making me feel inferior

My Public Enemy jokes are lost on today’s youth

When Lil Kim gets a boner the name changes to Lil Akimbo. I’ll be here all week folks. Don’t try the fish

If I were Rihanna I’d punch you with my face

Inna Gadda Sharifa – new single by Kanye West!

Scientists are baffled. Recent studies show that a ton of Kirstie Alley actually weighs more than a ton of bricks

Never vote for someone who’s first name is so bad they go by their middle name, that’s Mitt

Am I the only one that has a google alert set up for when another Bee Gee dies and a bottle of champagne saved for the occasion?

I smell bacon grease, feces and delusion. Lampanelli, I know you’re around here somewhere

Why am I so hard on Lampanelli? Because she blocked me. A Comedy Central roaster, standup comic. The queen of mean! I guess she can dish it out but can’t take it. I can’t remember the tweet exactly but it was something about having to use vagina scented incense to coax my cock out after seeing her naked.

Who’s the biggest celeb who’s blocked you? For me it’s Lisa Lampanelli. Yours might be more famous but mine is still bigger

The Fall of the House of Usher featuring Justin Bieber

If Hugh Hefner married Snooki and wrote a book about it, it would be called The Old Man and the C

So why am I so hard on Bieber and Snooki? Do you really need to ask?

We always need targets. That’s why I’m glad there’s Bieber, Mel Gibson, Axl Rose, Obama, and most of all Mexicans.

When’s the new Fallout Boy CD coming out? I need some kindling

I love the sound of Bill Burr in the morning

The movie Taken would’ve been totally different if Kim Kardashian was cast as the daughter. Liam would be like fuckit. Keep the bitch

I think the Phelps family is confused. They hate gays, but lesbians are proof that God exists

Herman Cain got more bitches than Jesus

I think Rick Perry is confused. Can someone please tell him that there’s no ballot for president of the Westboro Baptist Church?

Once I stole a joke from a guy who stole that joke from Carlos Mencia who stole it from Robin Williams

Guns n Roses is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Axl is reportedly on his way to the museum to fire everybody there

Rick Perry sucks shit™

I could never be a politician. I’m a worse liar than Clinton. I mean Hillary, when she said “I do”

Sure, Nickelback sucks, but there isn’t enough attention paid to how much Staind really fucking blows

You know those people who think Whoopi Goldberg is funny? Yeah, I don’t know any of them either

Attention young ladies: if you do even one porn, you’ll never be Julia Roberts (or insert name of an actress that’s relevant)

If I want motivation I’ll have Tony Robbins lick my butthole

Hunter S. Thompson is rolling in his grave. And by rolling I mean he’s still high on ecstasy and acid

“Ari Shaffir? His name should be Jewish Jewish” -Patrice Oneal, RIP

Patrice and Giraldo are dead and Mencia is still alive. There is no god

I never noticed before. Oprah spelled backwards is passthegravy

I’m going to make my own bot. It will retweet abortion, miscarriage and Oprah tweets

The bin Laden sex tape is fake, but I’m sure the camel is real. This tweet sponsored by Martha Stewart’s new line of burqas! In stores now!

Kate Hudson is going to be a lovely lady when she grows up and gets some boobies

Who’s on first?

WHAT!?

Damnit Lil Jon. How many times do we have to go over this?

Eating lunch from a dumpster, watching Glenn Beck, shitting yourself. All pretty much the same thing

I don’t wonder why that guy from MillI VanillI killed himself. I do wonder why the other guy didn’t

Can we still make fun of George Bush? It’s just so fun I don’t wanna stop!

I wonder how many millions of dollars Aerosmith had made when they wrote the song Eat the Rich

Just unfollowed a Miley Cyrus fan. I feel a little better…

Hell is Dave Matthews playing on an infinite loop

Ordering the ZuckerBurger. 500 million people can’t be wrong. Right?

I’ve been accused of stealing jokes, which is obviously not true. If I stole jokes I would pick good ones, like Mencia does.

This just in: Bigfoot spotted a Star Jones. Got scared. Ran away before getting a picture

Yay a bieberfucker is following me! Celebrate good times c’mon!

I gotta give John Mayer credit. He can suck a dick, take it up the ass and write a song simultaneously. Now that’s talent

Start following the celebrities you despise and boycott the products they endorse.

Has Gene Simmons made a deal yet to have advertisements on his tombstone?

Snooki’s vagina is loosely based on a real vagina

Sometimes my twitter stream is so dirty I feel like I’m in a video with R Kelly

Lady Gaga has beast infections

When is the Rush Limbaugh sex tape coming out? Said nobody. Ever.

Hey Eric Clapton. You’re not black. Give it up

Fuck. It’s raining blood and I forgot my umbrella. Damn you Slayer!

You will NEVER be as cool as the Beastie Boys

Tool is whiskey. A Perfect Circle is whiskey and water

Redheads are crazy kinky in bed. I know from experience, but Ron Howard won’t return my calls anymore 😦

I’m like half Dr. Dre, half Dr. Drew

I’m a douche to make people laugh. Kanye West is just a douche

If I kill Kanye now can I just claim it’s a very late term abortion? Please say yes.

Just hit enter for an M. Night Shyamalan tweet, but it’s not there. So in addition to audiences he can also make tweets disappear?

Is fucking Lindsey Lohan considered parting the red C?

Whatever happened to Don King? Has his hair reached the moon yet?

I have at least two confirmed alibis. Can I slit Gaga’s throat now?

I make celebrity death jokes before they die. Too soon?

Maybe I shouldn’t listen to Ron and Fez if I want to stay awake

Get a tattoo of a celebrity getting arrested. It’s the new thing.

Can another celebrity please make another peeing on somebody video? My R Kelly jokes are getting old.

I don’t think Paris Hilton is very good looking, but that cock in her mouth really brings out her eyes

Cher means expensive in French. In English it means annoying twat

I went to myspace and yelled HELLO! Got an echo. I think the only thing left is Tila Tequila’s twat

She got famous on myspace, but did you know that Tila Tequila’s vagina is bigger than outer space?

I’d rather fuck Oprah with an asbestos condom than fuck Heidi Klum after she’s had Seal dick in her

Why is twitter fucked? Did Chris Brown smack it around too?

Is it just me or does Josh Homme eerily resemble Craig Kilborn?

I’m sad. Even if I took out Dave Mathews there would still be millions of CDs and computers to burn. I should set up a paypal

What’s a million lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. What’s a million Dave Matthews CDs at the bottom of the sea? My fantasy

My iPod keeps autocorrecting my first name to Douche. Very funny, Mr. Jobs…

Columbus discovered America and I invented the color magenta

Shit My Dog Says, starring Son of Sam

If you portray Martin Luther King Jr in a movie you will be subject to character assassination

The black level on your tv is important, especially when watching Spike Lee movies

My mom tells me not to smoke or drink but she made breakfast with more fat than Kirstie Alley’s bicep

Damn I wish Bill Hicks was still alive. He would rip us texting/tweeting fuckers a new one… R.I.P.

Is it me or does Julia Stiles look like a boy? A pretty, pretty boy…

If it was Lady Gaga that had the miscarriage she would wear the fetus as a dress

My Gaga joke bombed. I guess the fetus dress is out of fashion

Contrary to popular belief, zombies DID inhabit the earth. Joan Rivers is the last of their kind. Wait, is she still alive?

I named my left hand Bill Paxton and my right hand Bill Pullman. Paxton doesn’t get much action

Can’t sleep. Think I’ll listen to Glenn Beck. That should do it

Listened to a 50 cent album and took a drink every time he said “finna”. I got alcohol poisoning

If you retweet Ashton Kutcher and I see it on my timeline, I will find you and get stabby on you

This is Justin Bieber’s other account

I can’t wait for Jackass 17 when Steve-O attempts (and fails) to outrun a train in his wheelchair. Hilarity ensues!

Little known fact: without makeup, Megan Fox looks just like Mick Jagger

Greg Giraldo had a law degree. Good thing he quit law and made something of his life before he checked out

All Tyler Perry movies should be seen in space so you can’t hear the audience yelling

Yup, I bought a solar charger last night and today the clouds are more pervasive than Gene Simmons’ ego

When Bill Nye cupped my balls he explained the science behind getting a boner

I like a Hootie and the Blowfish song. I must have a brain tumor

My fiancé said she likes Charlie Sheen. Bet she would change her mind if he threw my bachelor party

Charlie Sheen and Perez Hilton have something in common. They both do two and a half men

“I don’t *sniff* appreciate these *sniff* lies you are telling *sniff sniff* about me” – Charlie Sheen

When Charlie Sheen’s mirror is clean it automatically calls his dealer. Yay technology!

Coke overdoses on Charlie Sheen

Chuck Norris has another fist under his beard. Charlie Sheen doesn’t even have a beard but somehow still has two hookers under it

Just got a good deal on a sheen of coke

Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims through land. Charlie Sheen snorted Mt. Everest

OK one more. Charlie Sheen uses Cobain’s shotgun to snort coke. That was horrible wasn’t it? Yeah whatever…

The only good thing about Gaga is the pop star eclipse. I haven’t even heard the name Winehouse in months

“I’m goin’ balls deep, bitches!” -Socrates

Last December, Santa tried to bring the world some coke and a smile but Charlie Sheen stole the briefcase

Ever since I said “every time I see an ambulance I think of Charlie Sheen”, now I really do. Wonderful…

The Jonas brothers should be more like the Marx brothers. Dead.

Little known fact: the Super Soaker water gun idea was the direct result of a man watching a Peter North video

Oral sex, moral sex. Proof that adding one letter can soften a boner faster than Charlie Sheen can snort a line off a hooker’s ass

Is it true that Gaga has only one ball?

Did an image search for “twitter is gay” and about a dozen images of Kid Rock showed up. What’s up with that?

T-Boz don’t want no scrubs? Damn thats too bad. I was gonna holla

I like Pink and Sheryl Crow but I’m not still not gay enough to like Creed

Thanks Obama for pulling the troops out like you said you would you PIECE OF SHIT LYING CUNT

I’m glad you have your arms wide open, Scott Stapp. It gives me a clear shot to your chest

When he dies, Mark Zuckerberg should be preserved so future generations can learn where evolution went truly wrong

Alex Trebek makes millions doing nothing. I hope he contracts a flesh eating virus. That is all

O’Reilly grills Obama? I guess he likes dark meat after all

There is a new social network for kids ten and under. Michael Jackson is now jerking off in his grave

I burned my white robe and hood the day I saw Halle Berry’s tits

“Ever write a song called ‘You Just Got A Ticket For Speeding’?” – cop who pulled over Ice T

I’m convinced that Dave Mustaine was the voice of Beavis

The good thing about Lady Gaga is that she probably indirectly encourages people to cut themselves

Explaining humor to idiots is like explaining quantum physics to Paris Hilton

Believe me, no one ever called Kate Gosselin the road less travelled

I died a little the day I found out that Joss Stone wasn’t a big fat black woman

People that never reply have a sort of Zeppelinesque mystique about them. But I hear Robert Plant was a douchebag too

It’s not that hard to ‘write’ a joke. Just ask Carlos Mencia

My feet feel like they dated Chris Brown, married Mike Tyson then partied with Charlie Sheen

Ashton Kutcher doesn’t have to follow back either. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t suckAshton

I’d like to blow a hole through David Hasselhoff’s stomach with a sawed off shotgun and use it as a glory hole for German hookers

Lady Gaga reported to perform a benefit concert. All proceeds will go to the poor defenseless victims of her “music”

If I could pick who’s diapers I had to change when they got old it would be Gary Busey

I just got the Betty White sex tape. I bought the part of the cave wall with the drawings at an auction. Pics for sale, fellas

I guess Betty White jokes are soooo 2011

It’s gonna get rougher like a lonely fluffer, I’m the poon stuffer let’s rumble like Michael Buffer

What do you call a black douchebag? Herman Cain.

RT if you’re stuck on an elevator with Engelbert Humperdinck

Stephen Hawking can’t get a boner but murderous rapists get hard in 0.3 seconds. The human race will fuck itself out of existence

I bet when Roman Polanski nuts in a 14 year old’s face he says, cut! That wasn’t right. One more shot.

U2 is the most overrated band ever. Dave Matthews and Bono should stab each other in a fit of rage

If Vanilla Ice records an album will it make a sound? Because nobody will hear it…

Kim Jong who?

Was Kim Jong Il the black girl from Facts of Life?

I pray every day to a god I don’t believe in with the hope that I’ll never be as lame as Fred Durst

If I wanted to follow Justin Timberlake I’d kill myself

Hey twitter. If I wanted to follow Rihanna I’d hang out at the battered women’s shelter

It says here on the paperwork, Mrs. Sandusky, that you want to change your name to Smith. Tell ya what, sweetheart. This one’s on me

In five years I see Hulk Hogan broke and giving back alley abortions with a folding chair

If Mother Teresa was still alive I’d probably tap that

If you do a people search on twitter for “stupid whore” Arianna Huffington is #16. Not even kidding.

Why can’t Adam Sandler just die already?