The Correct Term is Tramp Postage

by Jason Alan

I’ve been going through my huge list of tweets and found some that aren’t going in the book, Spank Material for the Clinically Insane, but not because I don’t like them. The book is filled with my most dirty, offensive or just plain gross shit. But these are examples that show I can work fairly clean, too. Enjoy.

If chickens all had guns and could use them it would be called Kentucky Fried Turkey.

My future’s so dark, I gotta wear night vision goggles.

I don’t have time to be a narcissist. I’m too busy thinking about how badass I am.

Pro wrestling is gay porn training wheels.

I heard someone say twitter is all lies. I guess we’re following the model news outlets have been using for decades.

Sometimes when I’m lonely I write long, introspective and self analyzing letters to do-not-reply email addresses.

I’m a student of life because even if I sit all day smoking weed, eating Cheetos and watching Knight Rider I still pass.

Even my liver has a bar tab.

I like to call sausage meat cookies. I’m a silly boy.

Hey everybody the mass suicide has been called off. Turns out I misread the… guys?… oops.

Asked a kid for his urine so I would pass a drug test. Very funny using lemonade you little shit.

I don’t consider myself a pessimist but I’m confident that if I built a house out of wood it would rust.

Three men share an article of clothing and learn something about themselves along the way, in Brotherhood of the Traveling Panties.

Private browsing is for undocumented jerkers.

When I can’t sleep I like to count the little Ambien sheep that jump over my tonsil fence.

Nothing like a neck tattoo to tell the world you’ve given up all hope.

Bear traps may not be the solution to people walking through your yard but they’re more entertaining than a bug zapper.

The difference between love and obsession is a restraining order.

There once was a man from Dallas who lived in an elegant palace he thought he had a hair so he used some Nair but he found it was a phallus.

My feet look like a crime scene.

When the Google Toilet View crew comes knocking, just let them in. Don’t stand in the way of progress, grampa.

I proposed to a Snickers bar. It said no, so I ate it. I win.

I treat a McDonald’s toilet like a rental car that isn’t in my name.

“I got the VI, gimme your IX” – ancient Roman proverb

If you run urine through enough filters it becomes pure water. If you run urine through a single filter it becomes Evian.

AT&T taught me everything I know about not giving a crap.

My mother should have pulled out.

If you dig my sense of humor and don’t mind jokes that aren’t so clean, check out the blog page for the book here. You’ll get a joke or two a day and I will start posting chapters as soon as I get them edited to my satisfaction.