Hi, I am Government, and I’ll Take Care of You :D

by Jason Alan

Hey everybody! I am Government, and I have a revolutionary and wonderful idea. People do dumb stuff all the time, you see it everywhere you go. They do things like drink alcohol and soda pop, smoke cigarettes and eat junk food, et cetera, et cetera, but I have the solution.

If you drink alcohol, you WILL end up like this man. Guaranteed.

Ban everything but healthy foods and drinks, and all drugs that aren’t approved by me, your Government! That’s right. I love you, and I care about your well being and safety. My one and only priority is to keep adults and children safe from not only other adults, but from themselves. If you really stop and think about it, what are adults but just children who have gotten older and grown taller, right? Now, hand over those cigarettes like a good big boy and let me put them on the top shelf. There. Your lungs are clearing up already, aren’t they? I, as your Government, know what is best for you. Always have and always will. (This post is sponsored in part by Boeing: using your tax dollars to help eliminate people you’ve never met since the 1930s. Now back to your previously scheduled blog). You have a busy life, and those pesky decisions you’re always having to make are getting in the way of you paying taxes. Oops, I mean, options and decision making are bad for you, and they get in the way of your busy work day. You have a family to take care of. Not that you need to help your kids make decisions, though. I will take care of that, as well.

I have schools for them so I can teach them how wonderful Government is, and how the great Christopher Columbus discovered America, the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, Stars and Stripes, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all! After all, how can you have Liberty when everyone around you is doing stuff you don’t like? Doesn’t sound like the Liberty I know. No sir, no ma’am. Oh, and don’t worry about that silly little ‘war’ that’s going on. It’s actually more of a conflict, and it’s just me bringing democracy and peace to other countries so their Government can easily control and manipulate, ahem, I mean so their leaders can help their people do the right things, too. Plus, I’m getting rid of terrorists, because as we all know, violence is bad if it’s here, but it’s ok if it’s done overseas. Or here, by the military. Or the police. But don’t worry about that. Actually, don’t worry about anything. It’s all good. I’m resolving all your woes and worries. For example; you know when you go to a restaurant and you just can’t for the life of you decide what to eat? Well, there’s no problem that legislation can’t provide an easy solution for! Starting tomorrow, at all eating establishments, there will be only one choice on the menu. Healthful, approved foods only, of course. Tada! Just like magic, fixed. Other laws enacted will ban items including, but not limited to:

Because tacky should never be legal.

Sagging pants (who doesn’t hate those?), car stereos above 100 watts and in-ear headphones (leads to hearing loss), guns and knives (dangerous!), household pets (they die, causing unnecessary distress), and also movies, books and video games depicting sex and/or violence. Oh yes, I will also give a list of approved websites to your internet service provider that are ok for you and your family so you don’t accidentally come across any porn or other disturbing images and/or ideas. Do you see now, how more laws can not only help with the big stuff, but also make even your trivial, every day dilemmas just melt away? And you thought that Government was just around to make sure roads are built and that tax money goes to the right places. Nope. I can do much more than that. I can take away all the bad stuff in life so you can stop worrying about anything and everything. You can enjoy your weekend with your loved ones peacefully cooking out in the backyard (actually, you’ll have to pick some other, more wholesome activity. barbecue grills are a fire hazard). Although, with all these new laws I will have to enforce (to protect you and your children!), I will be taking a little longer to get around to the more menial tasks, such as fixing the roads, catching the murderers and rapists, and stuff like that. I only have so many people that work for me, like the TSA, FBI, ATF, CIA, DEA, DOJ, NSA, ICE, DHS, CBP, FPS, BOP, ABC, CBS, LOL, local police, state troopers, federal marshals, secret service, army, navy, air force, marines, coast guard and national guard, just to name a few. As you can see, there just aren’t enough resources. But I will get around to the rapists, killers, pedophiles and armed robbers after I round up all the dirty nasty filthy drug dealers and users and stuff them into privately owned prisons that get a certain amount of money based on number of inmates. Why do I do that? Because that’s called creating jobs, folks! I got everything handled. No need to worry about anything anymore. I am Government, and I’ll take care of You. 😀