If I Had My Own Island

by Jason Alan

Island name: still working on that
Population: about 300 to 500 occupants
Location: not too cold, not too hot

Rule 1: Absolutely NO killing people. This may sound simple, but it needs further explanation. No killing means also accidental, or in self defense, and even in law and government. The government has to abide by the laws of the people, so there is no capital punishment. If the death is found accidental, self defense or defense of another, the only penalty is that you have to get on a boat and go somewhere else. If the death is found to have been committed in cold blood, we will find a country that is willing to lock you up. Even if you murder while in prison on the island, you will not be allowed here anymore. Once another prison gets you, they can keep you or kill you, but it won’t happen on this island. Also, being a small place, there is no need for an abortion clinic. The government is pro-choice, but unless it’s an emergency, we will find a nearby country where it is safe and legal to will perform the procedure if the woman so chooses.

There is one exception, however, in the accidental death category. Trained medical personnel save lives for a living. If they save a thousand people and accidentally cause the death of one, then that can be overlooked. Doctors, nurses, EMT, they save more lives than anyone else. They get a pass if necessary.

Rule 2: No raping. This offense is the same in the eyes of the law of this government as first degree murder. Exile to another prison that will do with you as they wish. Pedophilia is treated the same as rape. Adults have sex with other consenting adults on this island, and that’s it. Otherwise, you’re gone to get shanked in possibly a not so nice prison elsewhere.

Rule 3: Stealing is against the law. Obviously this covers a wide array of theft, and exile would only be considered in the most extreme circumstances. Most offenses would be punishable by community service. Don’t be a dirtbag. You take something, you give something back.

Rule 4: Violence will be treated according to severity. If two people fight, then shake hands and go have a beer, then the law will not bother with it. But, if you willfully perpetrate violence upon someone else of any age who cannot or will not defend themselves, you will be locked up and be given therapy and education on violent behavior. If you prove that you cannot control your violent behavior after you are released, you will be shipped off.

On this island, there are few rules. We don’t need a lot. You can smoke, drink, have a gun, practice religion, have free speech, gather where you wish, do whatever drugs you want, be any other color, race, gender, nationality, sexual preference or belief system. As long as you follow the four simple rules of no murder, rape, violence or stealing, then you can live and enjoy your life to the fullest.

Maybe I should just call it Asshole-Free Island, but although it does roll nicely off the tongue, some people might get the wrong idea…

In the event of me actually owning an island, the picture will change accordingly. Enjoy your stay.