To your respective god(s)

by Jason Alan

water.

H2-motherfucking-O.

The majority of a generally healthy person’s body is made of water. How do we know this? Not because some guy who no living person has ever met wrote it down in a book, that’s for sure. We know this because when somebody in your country breaks down human tissue, organs, bones, etc., at a cellular level with a microscope and then someone on the other side of the world does that same thing and gets comparable or identical numbers AND THEN we’ve reached a point where we keep doing the same independent experiments around the globe and they come up with this repeatedly over and over again. That’s how we know and then claim something to be fact.

But even though we’re mostly made of this stuff and we’re massively dependent upon it, it kills many of us every single day. You could throw in drowning all by itself but oh, no, water isn’t always so blatant. It murders us in subtle ways as well. If we don’t drink enough or drink too much, it can be the cause of our demise. It can also be frozen inside our bodies, or used as an odd number of handy weapons for us dumb people to stab each other with. Weapons that melt away, leaving little to no trace. If that’s not disturbing enough, nature makes a much bigger ice pick than we ever have. Ever seen Titanic?

If we were to put water on trial, it would no doubt receive a less than favorable decision. More deaths than any serial killer ever known. Water, you are a murderer. What do you have to say for yourself?

Nothing.

Because it’s just water. It can’t talk, yet it is in what is in the glass, paper cup or plastic tin you’re drinking out of right now. It’s also not only in the burger part of the cheeseburger but in the cheese, mayo, mustard, onion, tomato, bun and whatever other organic material you put on it. Water has its tentacles in everything related to life.

On a more universal aspect, water is just hydrogen and oxygen molecules, so it is plentiful in the known universe and essential to the existence of life as we know it. But on a human scale, it is downright disastrous at times. Ask the people who were hit by a tsunami, a wall of water that killed them not by drowning but by the sheer force of it. Oh, that’s right, you can’t ask them. They’re dead.

So, to your respective god(s), whomever or whatever you claim created water, but first created the hydrogen and oxygen molecules so they could bond, obviously did it for the benefit of the universe, not us. A case could even be made for water, even though being essential to life itself, isn’t so much for people. When I ever get to talk to your creator of this thing called water, I’m asking many questions. The first of them probably being what the fuck were you thinking when you made a planet that is 70 percent water that people can’t drink? Doesn’t sound like your ever non-existent fairy creature had us in mind at all, huh?

While I’m at it, what about Heaven or whatever your religion calls it? Haven’t they figured out the internet yet? C’mon, they have to have NetZero at least. We, as people that exist, we have mobile phones and Skype and we can talk on tiny devices with someone instantly on the other side of the planet. But what of your blessed holy land that your soul (which we also can’t detect) will go to when your earthly body gives out on you? Do they even have fax machines up there yet? Fax From an Angel, new series Tuesdays on FOX, or a Sarah McLachlan song. Either way, there are no faxes, emails, text messages, nor even smokes signals from great grandma after she passed. But that is not the topic.

Water is a shitty design, and when your god or creator shows itself, I will put it on trial for water, and then throw in air, fire and earth as well. They are responsible for billions of human deaths as well as the death of countless other life forms.

I think some of us think we know why your god doesn’t show itself. If I had fucked up people this bad, I wouldn’t want to be held universally responsible for it, either.