Merry Christmas, My Ass

by Jason Alan

Well, it’s Christmas time once again, folks, and you know what that means. That’s right. It’s time to lie and set a bad example for your children. If you’re religious, don’t forget to tell them that an omnipotent sky faerie is watching them at all times, even when they’re dropping a deuce. And if they aren’t good, they have an eternity of fire and brimstone and possibly Rod Stewart holiday classics on repeat to look forward to when they inevitably perish.

Oh, but that’s not all, kids. Our severely retarded society has somehow crafted a way to include the atheists and agnostics into the insanity as well. But this other guy isn’t all powerful, he is just gifted with the aforementioned ability to see you when you’re sleeping and yes, pooping. But that’s not all. He has a flying sled powered by magical animals and somehow is able to deliver toys in one night to billions of children. So be good, kids, or… or what? He won’t give you presents? Oh no, don’t be silly. We just say that, but we can’t even stick to that part of the lie.

Billy, remember when Johnny punched you in the stomach last week and then told the girl you like that you cried like a baby? Well, sorry to spoil it for you but he’s getting a pony and a mini bike on the morning of the 25th, and you’re getting socks and a used set of generic Legos because his parents are rich and yours are poor.

I know what you’re thinking. C’mon, don’t be such a spoilsport. It’s just a little white lie. But it’s not. You’re telling them that magical beings exist. It’s highly ridiculous and shameful. And telling them they aren’t real won’t devastate them as much as when they find out on their own and know that the same parents who told them not to lie, lied to them.

Since when is honesty a bad thing? Why not just tell your kids that Ol’ Saint Nick is make believe, and if they are a brat then they won’t get the good toys they want. They know Transformers aren’t real but they’ll watch that shit on a loop 24/7 if you let them. It doesn’t matter to them. And don’t get me started on Jesus and Mohammad and all that other bullshit.

If we are expecting to live in a world where people are honest and respectful to each other, we have to start at the source. The more we lie to our children, the more likely they are to grow up to do the same thing and the cycle of bullshit continues. Treat your kids like they have a brain, because they do. And treat them with respect. They know there is a real world and a make believe one, and they’re fine with that. No reason to muddy the waters.

Ok I’m off my high horse. Merry Christmas and shit, fuckers.