by Jason Alan

Terrorists hate America, but people focus too much on the religion aspect. Sure, that’s part of it, but I think a bigger chunk of it is that we. Have. Everything.

If you like to drink, alcohol is legal in every state. If you like to smoke weed, about half the states have medical marijuana and a couple of states (great fucking states, I might add) have done the balls out move of just legalizing it altogether. You’re an adult, smoke up. Imagine that, in the land of the free.

If you like warm climates, we have Georgia. If you like warm climates, senior citizens and crazy people, we got Florida.

If you want cold weather, we got Maine, Montana and North Dakota. Ok fine, Minnesota too. If you prefer the cold and smoking weed (yeah I mentioned that twice already), we got Washington state. If you want bite your nipples off cold, we offer you Alaska.

You love corn and shitty metal bands, go to Iowa. If you like potatoes and fucked out jokes about being a ho, we got Idaho.

If you like island paradise, spam and poi, we have Hawaii. Oh yes, and volcanoes could brutally murder you any day now…

If you want to live in the desert, well, first of all, you’re an idiot, but if you do, we have Arizona and New Mexico. If you like the desert and gambling and high priced hookers, we have Nevada.

If you like Mexicans, ironically enough, you don’t necessarily go to New Mexico. You go to Texas or California. Speaking of Cali and Texas, we not only have fantastic beaches, we have two fucking oceans AND the gulf of Mexico. Suck it, every other country.

If you like lovers, move to Virginia. If you’re a lover of incest, move to West Virginia.

If you like brainless, inbred hicks, go to Kentucky. If you like brainless, inbred hicks and Indian casinos, we have Oklahoma.

If you like river boat gambling, bourbon, tits for beads and horrible French accents, take a trip to Louisiana.

If you like walking down the street where the only people who make eye contact with you are the ones who are trying to grift you, fuck you or both, we have New York.

If you love God and dislike suspenders, we have the bible belt.

Back to religion, oh yeah, we have plenty of that.

We have Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, atheists, Mormons, Chinese Christians, atheists, agnostics, Hindus, Scientologists, Jews, Jews for Jesus, Taoists, Spiritualists, Pagans, Christians that like gays, Christians that hate fags, Wiccans, and various cults where old bearded dudes play guitar and molest fourteen year old girls. But my favorite is The Church of Euthanasia. Some of their slogans include “Save the Planet, Kill Yourself”, “Six Billion Humans Can’t Be Wrong”, and “Eat a Queer Fetus for Jesus”. Personally, I’m an agnostic, but if I had to pick one, sign me up for the religion of satire.

If you like mountains, we have plenty of them.  We even have Mount Rushmore. In this country, even a beautiful, majestic granite mountain is too boring for us. We had to carve faces into them. The visages of so-called great leaders. One of whom helped to free the slaves, two slave owners, and one that was elected after the abolition, who probably wished he had a few free negros to help out with the more menial tasks at the white house.

If you want lakes, we have a shit ton of those. We even have man made reservoirs, and of course, The Great Lakes. Suck it, other lakes.

If you like big ass holes in the ground, we have the Grand Canyon. If you like big assed hoes, we have Nicki Minaj. Is she American? I should probably google it when I’m talking shit about someone, but fuck it.

We have a good neighbor and a couple of bad ones. Canada is the good one. It could be argued that the band Loverboy is the worst thing they have ever brought us, but I suppose Kids in the Hall and Trailer Park Boys makes up for it. The really bad one is Cuba, and don’t give me shit about bad mouthing Mexico. If it’s so good, then why do they keep risking their life walking through the desert to come here?

We even have the ever elusive honest politicians. They don’t get elected, but we still have them.

America has everything you could possibly want. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Wine, women and song. Trannies, THC and techno. We got it all, baby doll. And that’s why the terrorists hate us. Plus, we have bigger dicks (and smaller pussies).