I Saved Your Last Breath in a Jar
by Jason Alan
I saved your last breath in a jar.
a lock of your hair
wasn’t enough to remember you by.
a picture
doesn’t speak enough words.
I saved your last breath in a jar
a sample of your blood
when I cut you.
it wasn’t sufficient.
a poem
written to you,
in your honor.
it did not quench my thirst for you.
I saved your last breath in a jar.
because that,
and the look in your eyes
as I took your life
is all I’ll ever need.
Jason Alan. Writer, Character. 
Wow such a powerful poem! Love it!
Thank you.
Wow, that sounds like Michael Myers gone slightly sentimental. Or maybe that’s my own strange opinion.
Interesting way of looking at it…
it also reminds me of the Victorian poem, “Porphyrria’s Lover.”
I’m a fan of Browning but I don’t remember that one. I like it.
glad you do.
Kinda creepy. Like reading an obsessed lover’s note.
A stalker gone too far, eh?
“I saved your last breath in a jar
a sample of your blood
when I cut you.”
— 3 magnificent lines.
Hmmmm…I enjoyed that…
How does the fact that you enjoyed it make you feel? Lie on the couch if it makes you more comfortable…
A bit worried…can I kick my shoes off?
If you don’t mind me spraying them with Lysol.
I also call myself a mad man all the time too. But it gets harder and harder to do so each day. It is difficult to be a mad man in 2012. Everybody is mad, maybe. Some don’t see and understand some things which other people do, maybe. What u think?
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. So I guess in the land of the mad, the sane man is king.
excellent i must think
Fabulously creepy. Nice tension.
(On the second reading, I thought of something that could tighten the reveal, if you’re interested.)
If you’re thinking of removing the part where the narrator cuts her (or him), I thought of that but I think it works alright. If not, then what were you thinking?
No, no — I agree that works great. It’s not entirely clear at that point whether the cutting was an accident. Creates ambiguity, plants doubt in the reader’s mind.
I was thinking of the ending: insert “dying” before “eyes” (or something like that) and delete the second to last line. It removes some certainty about what happened, but is suggestive enough to still be extremely creepy. (Can you tell I’m a big fan of ambiguity?) Just a thought.
By the way, I liked this poem enough that it worries me. Thanks. 😉
Expired eyes, perhaps?
That’s good — the alliteration weaves it together in the ear. It also conveys a kind of emotional disconnection that fits the tone. Does it still say what you want it to say?
I think it works.
Incredibly original, I like. Thanks for the follow.
Thank you too.
Am I to assume her life was taken with a jar? Is that a stupid question? Very moving.
Ha! You nut.
That’s me, Miss Nutty. Thank you!
Reminds me of Browning’s ‘Porphyria’s Lover’. 🙂
You aren’t the first to say that…
Hey, I know you share your writing a lot, but I have tagged you in the Lucky 7 Meme (http://abolesundertaking.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/the-lucky-7-meme-en-pointe/) where you can post a section of your work in progress should you be interested.
I LOVE the title of this, and the whole idea 🙂
Xx
I’m a little worried about you, but thanks.
Ha ha ha 😉
Xx
Wow. Intensely creepy.
Thanks, I think.
Reblogged this on InkandThink.
Thank you for reblogging!!
Really brings out the psycho killer I love so much in the last few lines 🙂
Great poem
Thanks 🙂
Reblogged this on In My Mind It Makes Sense and commented:
wow…..just wow
This is really powerful. And incredibly creepy. I really enjoy creepy, it just works. The expected yet unexpected? Bravo, I look forward to diving into more of your writing.
That’s very kind of you. Thank you. 🙂
You’re very welcome. :] I really enjoy your blog, and I actually “borrowed” one of your tweets from your book to write a poem…hope you don’t mind!
Which one?
‘I hope somebody fills your cunt with concrete.’ I’ll post it here later.
Ah, yes. That one.