unsubscribe

It’s time to unsubscribe.

Many of us are guilty (me included) of following a bunch of blogs, facebook users, tweeters, et cetera, just in hopes that they will follow us back and pump up our numbers. Get our message out. Open them up to our lofty worldview and blah blah blah. Well I, for one, am done with that bullshit.

I’m unsubscribing. To everyone. I hope you show me the same courtesy. Quit pretending like you give a damn. I know I don’t. I don’t read your blogs. I don’t watch your videos. I have been suspended from twitter so many times I just gave up, so I definitely don’t read your tweets. I’ve been working on getting facebook followers and after ten plus years, I am now up to maybe twenty-four.

Fuck it. I’m dumping all of you. I’ll still post, because I’m a narcissist. Somebody has to be reading this crap, although it’s probably only me reading my own worthless drivel. So if you don’t read this, then don’t follow me anymore. And for God’s sake, stop spending hours of your day liking posts that you know very well that you don’t read just in the off chance that someone will like your post that they also didn’t read. Have some respect for others, and most of all yourself.

Do yourselves and the world a favor. Unsubscribe to my blog today.

I’m Back (Who Cares?)

Exactly. Who does care?

I have been away for a while, partly because I haven’t had more than a phone or a tablet. Now that I have a computer, I can get back to the business of writing shit for virtually no money. Maybe that can start to change, though. I just took advantage of a free $30 credit for facebook ads to drive people here. It’s not much, but it could get the ball rolling and hopefully one day I’ll be swimming in 50 Shades type money.

Right…

(Disclaimer: I don’t write that kind of bullshit).

So, you may ask yourself, what am I doing here, and why should I care? I suppose it’s because you can get some free ebooks. I have five so far, self published on the ol’ amazon, but since they now take 2/3rds instead of their previous 1/3rd cut, I don’t want to use them anymore. Except to leave them up to have a platform for reviews. Instead, at least for the time being, I have decided to give them away and hope people think they’re good enough to donate a buck or two.

Also, of course, I have this blog, which goes back many years. I hope you enjoy it, and let me know what you think. Even if you hate it.

Jason Alan Author Page

PayPal Donations

P.S. If you see a book or books you like on my author page, my email is jasonyenglin at gmail. I’ll be glad to send you something.

Hey God

Hey God. I must say that I was fairly certain I’d never see you. I was agnostic when I was alive.

I know, Jason. I am God the Almighty, creator of everything and all that jazz. But I have to send you back. You died too early. Clerical error.

Wait, but aren’t you infallible and omnipotent? How could you possibly make a mistake?

It wasn’t mine. You know how humans like to get drunk and/or high on something, or meditate or exercise?  For me, I shut down what you would think of as my brain for a while and let the angels handle the multiverse.

I knew it. Multiverse. Fuck yeah. Anyway, before I go back to life as I know it, can I ask you a few questions?

Sure. I already know what they are, but go ahead and inquire my son.

Ok cool. So, why exactly did you make our waste and sexual organs not only so close together, but some even exactly the same? Seriously, why do I piss and drop off semen from the same place?

*puts holy fingers to his temples* Life is very complicated to make properly. You aren’t smart enough to understand. Or, you could be dreaming and I don’t exist.

I’m not falling for that shit. You’re real, I can tell. I’ll let you slide on that question but what about this one. When I go back, can I tell anyone I met you?

Yes, but most likely you will be thought of as crazy.

Good point. Alright, what if I tell them about the multiverse thing? I know that it’s true now.

But of course, nothing more scientifically viable than ‘God told me’. Remind them I spoke to you through your dog.

Smartass.

Jackass.

Well, I suppose I’m ready to go back. Thanks, God, I’m enchanted, truly. One last question. How did I die?

Overdose.

Huh. I guess I figured that. Probably alcohol poisoning or coke.

No, but close. It was aspirin. You mistook them for oxy.

Ain’t that a bitch. If I took the equivalent of oxy, I’d have survived.

Of course.

Ok. Bye for now God. Nice to meet you.

Peace out, nigga. Keep it real.

Crush

Florida is a fucked up state. YouTube commenters are even more fucked up.

A few weeks ago, a man in Tallahassee was jerking off to a youtube video of a woman crushing a live bird with her high heel.

The first comment was a woman in London wondering if she could get a pair of Prada shoes in bird blood red, and a matching Coach bag.

The second comment was a woman in New Hampshire saying how dare you, that’s disgusting. You don’t wear Coach and Prada together you sick bitch.

The third comment was by a starving kid in Zimbabwe and it said hey lady, you gonna eat that bird?

Then the comments degenerated into nonsensical arguments between people who have never and will never meet. They end up calling each other names like Jew faggot and saying I hope you get hit by a bus full of retarded nigger children with AIDS and Hep C.

Then someone compared that person to Hitler and me, I was reading through all this while watching reruns of Better Call Saul and laughing at those crazy fucks, the cum on my stomach drying up as I wondered… should I come back to Florida again or no?

Black and White

I am seriously fucking tired of the versus mentality of the human race. Us versus them, blacks against whites, dark skin versus light skin, Christians fighting Muslims, Mexicans hating Guatemalans, men versus women, atheists against agnostics, Jews versus Jesus, capitalism versus socialism, rich against poor, republicans versus democrats, congress versus progress, bloods versus crips, breeders against faggots, Coke versus Pepsi, Kramer vs. Kramer, the dindus versus the doodoos, whatever the fuck it is.

It’s time we all start acting as cells inhabiting the same body. Too many of us are goddamn viruses, constantly attacking not only the host but each other as well, and it’s not good for anyone. And frankly, I’m sick of it all.

There’s a war on women, a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on freedom, a war in Africa, a war in the middle east, religious wars, a war on Christmas, race wars, war and peace, Warren Buffett, Warren G, cake wars, star wars, the war of the roses, a war of attrition, war of the worlds, game of war, et cetera.

Bloody hell, when is enough going to be enough? I can’t watch or read the news any more because the best that comes from it is a shake of my head and a long, deep sigh. The atrocities people commit on a daily basis are depressing, disappointing and downright infuriating. And I, for one, shall not stand for it. I, as a living, breathing, thinking, creative mammal with opposable thumbs, I refuse to stand for this utter nonsense any longer. So I will sit, right here, and complain, and drink another beer. Why? Because I’m an alcoh… uh, wait, because I’m an American, and that’s what we do. Good night, retards. And God bless. Cunts.

Idiots

Stupid people now seem to have the advantage. There are all sorts of lame, ignorant laws to protect them. I say we take away the seat belt and helmet laws and let them, upon glorious freeway crash with a Ford F350 dually, dine upon an all you can eat buffet of safety glass and shortly after enjoy a sweet, decadent dessert of facial concrete. Fuck them. The road is already filled to the brim with a bevy of brainless idiots that always seem to congregate directly in front of me like a soulless line at the department of motor vehicles. Let them die a violent death as nature and technology intended. But hey, it’s not just me I’m thinking of. Think of all the little old ladies driving to church who could get a tiny dent in their Galaxy 500 because some moron drove their rusty old Chevette into them when they weren’t paying attention. Do we really need these wastes of carbon based material? They’re useless fucksticks who need to get the hell off the road to make room for those who deserve it. Like me. I’m too busy texting my friends while eating a bacon cheeseburger to have to spend my quality driving time worrying about dodging these tards. Just die already. The liquor store doesn’t fucking drive to me, and my coke dealer is too goddamn high to deliver.

i am, part ten – cc: @OptimisticDoom

i do believe i finally have the final edit on this one. maybe…

i am raindrops on corpses
and whiskers on tigers
strong and weak forces
and bright copper wires
brown paper airplanes
all tied up with strings
with just our names
written right on the wings
i am nuclear warfare
crisp blue seas
naturally lubed sex
sliding with ease
i am gals in white thongs
with blue satin sashes
bowls full of hash and
colored beads for free flashes
poverty’s playground
third world paradise
heidi klum
heidi fleiss
naughty
nietzsche
and nice
a wild hawk that perches
and sometimes it sings
i am your most feared
your most favorite things