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Many of us are guilty (me included) of following a bunch of blogs, facebook users, tweeters, et cetera, just in hopes that they will follow us back and pump up our numbers. Get our message out. Open them up to our lofty worldview and blah blah blah. Well I, for one, am done with that bullshit.

I’m unsubscribing. To everyone. I hope you show me the same courtesy. Quit pretending like you give a damn. I know I don’t. I don’t read your blogs. I don’t watch your videos. I have been suspended from twitter so many times I just gave up, so I definitely don’t read your tweets. I’ve been working on getting facebook followers and after ten plus years, I am now up to maybe twenty-four.

Fuck it. I’m dumping all of you. I’ll still post, because I’m a narcissist. Somebody has to be reading this crap, although it’s probably only me reading my own worthless drivel. So if you don’t read this, then don’t follow me anymore. And for God’s sake, stop spending hours of your day liking posts that you know very well that you don’t read just in the off chance that someone will like your post that they also didn’t read. Have some respect for others, and most of all yourself.

Do yourselves and the world a favor. Unsubscribe to my blog today.

Chapter One: Capital Punishment, Abortion and Free Puppies

Pretty much completed (unless I decide to add to it, again) first chapter from my upcoming sequel to Spank Material for the Clinically Insane, which is available via amazon here and might I add, has ONLY five star reviews. That’s five out of a hundred, but that’s decent. Anyway, here’s a bit of what’s next. I hop there’s no typos. ‘Nuff said.

***

I was sitting around drinking and smoking (what’s new?), and thinking about what my first chapter should be about, and decided in my infinite wisdom to start off with some light, cheery subjects. The first? The death penalty.

Kill ’em all. Let decomposition sort ’em out.

I am all for what is referred to as ‘capital punishment’, which is a bullshit ass politically correct term for getting rid of an asshole that truly does not deserve to breathe the same highly polluted air that the rest of us enjoy. But like pretty much everything in life, I believe that this act must be carried out under certain parameters. This is a complicated topic that cannot be summed up in merely a sentence or two.

I was fucking an underage girl on top of the body of my last murder victim and the cops busted in and arrested me for growing a pot plant.

The first thing we must address is who. Or whom. I call myself a writer, so I should know this shit. But I don’t, and I digress. You can’t just execute everyone convicted of whatever heinous crimes you could think of, including pedophilia, rape, cold blooded murder and watching cooking shows. We would have to make sure that there is one hundred percent surety that the person did it. Alright, maybe the high 90s percentile region. Almost nothing is certain in this world. There are people on Death Row that are innocent. No, not Death Row Records. All of them are guilty.

Why confess to a murder you didn’t commit unless there’s somebody really hot in prison you want to rape?

Let’s take Lyle and Erik Menendez, for example. They brutally dispatched not only their parents, but two others as well. They confessed, and while some people confess to crimes they didn’t commit, it’s their own fucking fault and those people are broken so we don’t need them around anyway. As of this writing, the Menendez brothers are still alive. You and I and other (mostly) law abiding citizens of this great(?) nation are paying to house and feed them. Wonderful, isn’t it?

The only way we will get our shit together is if we all defecate in the same place.

But seriously, do we really need to keep sadistic cunts like Charles Manson in freshly laundered clothes and fed shit on a shingle using our (sometimes) hard earned tax dollars? There are citizens of California right now at work in their cubicles, going over spreadsheets and tweeting about their rampant alcoholism and the taxes are going straight to this prick. Not only that, but ol’ Charlie, while locked up, isn’t working either. And what does that mean? He’s not fucking paying taxes. Just kill him already. Either that, or let him out and force him to work at a Smoothie King in a strip mall in Kansas and die an even slower, more painful death.

My farts stink so much because I’m dead inside.

Another aspect of capital punishment is the method. Oh and by the way, don’t you just love how they call it capital punishment instead of the death penalty? Might as well say ‘creative population control’. Anyway, what do we have as far as ways to end a life within the confines of the law? In the U.S., according to a website that looks reputable enough for me (it has a dot org address, what else do you want?), there are five ways. And in case you’re heck bent on correcting me, the stats are from 1976 to whenever they updated it.

If you don’t assault, rape and murder her on the first date, she probably won’t respond to your texts.

Lethal injection is the one that has been used the most, and is also the primary method in all states. One fine state of the union has electrocution as a secondary choice, and I quote, ‘if lethal injection drugs cannot be obtained’. Evidently rat poison, generic drain cleaner, bleach, large doses of heroin and air bubbles are routinely unavailable in Tennessee. Maybe they should just have Jack Kevorkian on speed dial. Yeah, I know he’s dead. Fuck off.

You give crazy people powerful weapons, people die. Prime example: the U.S. government.

Of course, the old joke refers to how they swab the injection site before they stick the needle in. You know, as to avoid the infection. Injection, infection, what’s your confection? On one hand, I hope this isn’t true. On the other foot (see what I did there?), it most likely does happen. People are not only dumber than platypus nuts, we (actually no, they, not we. I am more evolved) are diametrically opposed to giving up traditions, no matter how silly they may be. This is exactly why organized religion still exists. Many of these beliefs and practices are so ridiculous, it would take years, if not decades, of study by a Tibetan monk to find anything more patently stupid. He would, of course, have to be studying religiously, oddly enough.

Women can learn a lot from monks. Namely, shutting the fuck up and shaving their heads.

The next in line is Ol’ Sparky, the electric chair. The eighth commandment, or amendment, or whatever the kids are calling them these days, forbids cruel and unusual punishment. It can easily be argued that strapping someone into a metal chair and lighting them up like a menorah is a cruel thing, considering there is a lot of pain involved. But unusual is a different story. The first few times it was done, it was not the usual way to snuff out someone’s life. Notice that it says cruel and unusual, not cruel or unusual. Implying that the technique can be cruel but not unusual, or unusual but not cruel.

It’s sad when people die in movies, but not so much in real life.

For example, an official representing the state could conceivably give a monkey a gun and let it shoot the offender in question. While unusual, it is not cruel because it’s a quick death. That is, if the first bullet is the kill shot. If the banana eating, crap throwing primate shoots the inmate in the junk, then it is thereby upgraded to cruel and unusual. Also, hilarious. Therefore, unless the gun is secured, stationary and pointed directly at the prisoner’s head, we would have to scratch death by monkey off the list of potential future methods of execution.

Establish dominance. Stab her on the first date.

Next, we have the gas chamber. What the fuck is that one all about? What is the initial cost, and how much is the upkeep? It has to be quite expensive, considering it needs to be hermetically sealed so the nice boys in the execution team don’t inhale any of that mustard or mayonnaise gas or whatever they use in there. Don’t we realize that it doesn’t take that much money to kill someone? Just go through certain parts of a large city at night and you just might find out first hand.

Go ahead, call the cops. I’ll kill them too.

Then there’s the fact that it has been done a mere eleven times, and is only the secondary method in five states. Oh boy, does the government know how to waste our fucking money.

Now I am become taxes, the destroyer of wallets.

Next up to the plate is hanging. Hmmm, I wonder if they sterilize the rope? Now that’s what I’m talking about. Not only cost effective, but quick and uh, effective. I would take that any day over the chair or the chamber. Ooh wait, the chamber chair. I like that. An electric chair inside the gas chamber. I should write my local representative. If they make a reality show, I would watch that. Plus, the commercials would cover the costs. I’m a fucking genius.

I have literally bored seven people to death. Luckily the judge had to let me go for fear of suffering the same fate.

And last, but definitely not least, is firing squad. Not bad. A half dozen bullets or so and a blindfold, done and done. No problem with that one. And I hear that one person gets a gun loaded with a blank, but they don’t know who. That way nobody knows who offed the poor guy.

My cum sock is filled with more dead, useless organisms than Auschwitz circa 1944.

I also heard (on a tv show, which may or may not be as or more reputable than a dot org website) that there is a one in seven hundred thousand chance of dying under general anesthesia. So, obviously, we take death row inmates and pair them up with medical students. The future physicians will get to practice procedures on the people that nobody cares about (except the NAACP or ASPCA or ACLU or whoever). If the prisoner dies, who gives a fuck? If they don’t, they get to live another day and medical science is furthered. That’s a win win in my book.

A wife beater isn’t just a t-shirt, it’s also a man that knows how to treat a woman.

Speaking of beating your wife, the next topic I will be addressing is abortion. A hot button issue for many, but as usual, I have all the answers.

People in glass houses should fuck more.

Many who attempt to debate the good ol’ suck and chuck keep treating it like a black and white issue. We don’t go straight from the sperm breaking and entering the egg right to full on newborn baby. There’s some time in between. It’s a process. It’s not just pro-choice or pro-life, there are shades of… goddamnit. I can’t use the term shades of gray without thinking about that stupid fucking book.

Christians don’t like abortion because that would be one less destitute person to issue a gun to and send to Iraq.

But I digress. Again. I’m so digressive. Personally, I’m pro-choice if I have to pick one, but at a certain point a relatively civilized society has to draw the line. Nobody should, through legislation or other means, be able to prohibit a woman from taking a morning after pill. Conversely, if the fetus is mere days or weeks from coming out on its own and the woman isn’t at risk, then there’s no reason to break out the Dyson at that point. If you don’t want it, put the lil’ tricycle engine up for adoption. Let another family molest the kid.

I’ll install a 454 Chevy Big Block in your miscarriage.

And don’t get me started about the term pro-life, even though I am about to do just that. Not only are the self-righteous pricks immune to logic and critical thinking, the term itself is loaded. Pro-life, my stinky balls. How many of them support the aforementioned death penalty and/or want the entire Middle East turned into a field of glass because their prophets, not their god mind you (same god), are different people who may or may not have even existed?

We could make beautiful babies together, using parts of other beautiful babies.

It’s flat out insanity and downright childish to make up your mind about something and every single rational argument against your ideological principles is met with holding their hands to their ears and a ‘nananana I can’t hear you’ mentality. Tell your goddamn god while you’re spouting useless prayers that you have a mind of your own and fucking use it already.

Let’s go fuck some pregnant chicks so we don’t have to worry about child support.

Oh, and lest we forget that if the woman (or teenager, in many cases) doesn’t want to give birth, she is most likely poor and will remain that way. So if forced to go to term, the unwanted kid will grow up poor as well, continuing the cycle of poverty and that in turn increases the risk of your future offspring being assaulted and/or murdered, etc. Because news flash, wait for it… most violent crime is committed by the poor.

Gated communities only keep the lazy criminals out.

And plus, who the fuck wants to be raised by a most likely single parent that doesn’t want you to begin with? Personally, I would rather be cared for and eaten during a harsh winter by a nice, loving family of wolves that sadly, cannot have children. So, why don’t they have the baby and adopt it out, you might ask. Fuck that shit. Extra babies and cheap plastic shit is what China is for. I know, I’m aware I suggested adoption merely paragraphs earlier. No worries, I affect no legislation, I just write shitty books.

America owes how much to China? How’s this possible? How many bobblehead dolls do we have to buy from you slanty eyed twats to make it even?

The bottom line is, the mother is more important than the fetus, flat out. If you don’t like it, too fucking bad. Logic wins in this arena and oddly enough, wins under the law. Our legal system is no doubt a clustercunt, but it gets some things right. So maybe you should pack your shit and move to a country where abortion isn’t legal. Oh yeah, most of those places are shitholes that treat women like subhuman garbage. Good luck and smooth sailing, bitches.

I support abortion, gang rape, ethnic cleansing and bunny rabbits.

The title of this chapter promised free puppies. I lied, there aren’t any. Go suck rocks and kick eggs.

Why? Fuck You, That’s Why.

One of the dumbest questions ever. Why? For the blatantly obvious shit, it’s annoying. If somebody said they felt like going to the kitchen, getting a butcher knife and planting it squarely in my forehead, I would of course ask why. Maybe I could talk them out of it, or distract them long enough to get my gun. Oh, who am I kidding? I would most likely point another direction, yell ‘hey look it’s Gary Coleman!’ and run like a bitch.

But when I say I’m going to the grocery store and they ask why, I really feel like telling them I’m getting a new butcher knife because the old one isn’t sharp enough to get through that thick fucking skull of theirs. Seriously, you dumbass, I’ve had a twelve pack of beer and I’m out. Obviously I’m driving to get more and to avoid your idiotic queries for a while.

There is a thing good about it, though. That stupid, three letter question gives you a nice indication of the mental capacity of this person. If your girlfriend asks you why you are putting a jacket on, you know. You are aware that you shouldn’t ask her to help you with your physics homework, but you also know she’s great in bed. Dumb women and crazy bitches are wild in the sack.

That being said, be careful. They may rock your socks and knock your boots off, but the dumber they are, the more likely they are to get pregnant. It’s best to strap on three condoms and drop a morning after pill along with the roofie in her drink.

So if you wish to at least maintain the illusion that you are not semi-retarded, then think about your question of why before it comes spilling out of your stupid face. Here’s a simple way to do it. If the question can be answered by putting ‘because’ in front of the statement preceding it, don’t ask. For example, I want Chinese food for dinner tonight. Why? Because I want Chinese food for dinner tonight.

If you’re one of these people that do this annoying bullshit and don’t take this post as an opportunity to learn something, then take a good, long hard look in the mirror. And slam your forehead into it. Repeatedly. Why? Because you’re a dumb fuck.

Merry Christmas, My Ass

Well, it’s Christmas time once again, folks, and you know what that means. That’s right. It’s time to lie and set a bad example for your children. If you’re religious, don’t forget to tell them that an omnipotent sky faerie is watching them at all times, even when they’re dropping a deuce. And if they aren’t good, they have an eternity of fire and brimstone and possibly Rod Stewart holiday classics on repeat to look forward to when they inevitably perish.

Oh, but that’s not all, kids. Our severely retarded society has somehow crafted a way to include the atheists and agnostics into the insanity as well. But this other guy isn’t all powerful, he is just gifted with the aforementioned ability to see you when you’re sleeping and yes, pooping. But that’s not all. He has a flying sled powered by magical animals and somehow is able to deliver toys in one night to billions of children. So be good, kids, or… or what? He won’t give you presents? Oh no, don’t be silly. We just say that, but we can’t even stick to that part of the lie.

Billy, remember when Johnny punched you in the stomach last week and then told the girl you like that you cried like a baby? Well, sorry to spoil it for you but he’s getting a pony and a mini bike on the morning of the 25th, and you’re getting socks and a used set of generic Legos because his parents are rich and yours are poor.

I know what you’re thinking. C’mon, don’t be such a spoilsport. It’s just a little white lie. But it’s not. You’re telling them that magical beings exist. It’s highly ridiculous and shameful. And telling them they aren’t real won’t devastate them as much as when they find out on their own and know that the same parents who told them not to lie, lied to them.

Since when is honesty a bad thing? Why not just tell your kids that Ol’ Saint Nick is make believe, and if they are a brat then they won’t get the good toys they want. They know Transformers aren’t real but they’ll watch that shit on a loop 24/7 if you let them. It doesn’t matter to them. And don’t get me started on Jesus and Mohammad and all that other bullshit.

If we are expecting to live in a world where people are honest and respectful to each other, we have to start at the source. The more we lie to our children, the more likely they are to grow up to do the same thing and the cycle of bullshit continues. Treat your kids like they have a brain, because they do. And treat them with respect. They know there is a real world and a make believe one, and they’re fine with that. No reason to muddy the waters.

Ok I’m off my high horse. Merry Christmas and shit, fuckers.

Stop and Smell the Airplanes

People say to stop and smell the flowers. To ‘ground’ yourself (no pun
intended), I suppose, or to just push your troubles away for a moment
and enjoy the beauty of nature. But I say that’s for losers. What I
suggest is to stop and smell the airplanes.

What I mean by this is not to literally smell an airplane, that’s just
silly. It’s metaphoric, of course. What I mean is to look at one and
really think about it. How often do you marvel at the amazing things
that mankind has been able to accomplish? Rarely? Never?

Picture this: you are flying about 40,000 feet in the air, in a big
metal tube weighing in excess of 600,000lbs, going more than 500 miles
an hour. But wait folks, there’s more. You are using a tiny device
(with no wires) made of glass, plastic, metal and the sweat of people
who are literally on the other side of the planet. To send a message
to someone else who is on the ground, about 1,000 miles away,
traveling in a box that is going about 60 miles per hour. Now how much
would you pay?

I mean really, think about this. Not much more than a hundred years
ago we were breaking out the party hats when we got something fairly
light and wooden in the air that looked as if it was made of popsicle
sticks. And it wasn’t very long before then that you would be locked
up in a funny farm or burned at the stake for even suggesting such a
thing was even possible.

So, do you think about it? Most of all, do you appreciate the fact
that you can not only fly to the other side of the earth, but also
talk to and SEE your family and friends in real time while you are
there? Not to mention the untold numbers of things we surround
ourselves with on a daily basis. Electric razors. Microwaves.
Computers. Televisions. Water heaters. Digital clocks. Light bulbs.
Sliced fucking bread!

We are, quite literally, walking and driving and flying around in a
world of magic. And we’re telling people to smell flowers? Puh-lease.
There’s a newer, safer way to do that. It comes in a little bottle.
You can spray it on yourself and you too can smell like a rose,
without risk of sneezing or getting a bee up your nose. You don’t even
have to leave your hermetically sealed, climate controlled home to do
it. You wouldn’t want to do that, anyway. There are people out there.
Some of them not so desirable. People that could stab you at any
moment, or spray you with their smelly stuff without your permission.

On the other hand, you can look out your window and appreciate the
technological marvel that is an airplane, or even the funny looking
truck that brings the person that brings your mail. No more horses
taking that payload. It’s bad for their backs, anyway, and they tend
to drop honking turds everywhere.

Yet, on the other other hand, you can also look out your window and
consider that even as far as human beings have come, we’re still on a
ball of rock weighing approximately 13 octillion lbs (that’s 24
zeros), spinning at a rate of about 1,000 miles per hour, flying
through space at roughly 67,000 miles per hour around a 44 nonillion
lb (that’s 30 zeros) ball of nuclear explosions…

That’s right. Good ol’ mother nature kinda makes our little airplanes
look quaint and cute, huh?

So maybe you should stop and smell the flowers. After all, they can
turn sunlight into energy more efficiently than we can.

To those who read other blogs…

Sometimes I feel like I’m just churning out the same bullshit blog as most others do. Like maybe me trying to be different combined with actually being different cancel each other out, leaving me swimming in the sea of mediocrity in the blogosphere. What do you think?

P.S. This photo has nothing to do with anything, just felt like throwing it in.

Done

I am now officially sick of twitter’s bullshit. I’m fucking done. FUCK TWITTER!